Casting Crowns - Thrive (Official Lyric Video)

                                                God, All We Can Imagine and More

The intellectual genius Stephen Hawkins who was also an agnostic or atheist who died in the past year, was once ask what he would say if he actually did meet God and was asked by God why he did not believe in him . He said he would say, “ Lack of evidence” I feel he was stone-blind to all the evidence that there is a real God.

If there is a universe, it must have come from somewhere at some time. It could not have self-created itself as Hawkins tried to imagine. That takes much more faith than I have. The necessity of a Creator for a universe is logically incontrovertible. In itself it may not appear to define the nature of a creating God, until we examine the nature of the universe and the challenge of creating it when there was nothing there to make it from. When I learn that nuclear power comes from turning matter into energy, I wonder if it follows that energy can also be turned into matter, Although this would require an infinite amount of energy to create a universe of the dimensions of what we have. It would point to a God that has energy that is infinite beyond our imagination.

It has been calculated by science that the universe must be 3.5 or 3.8 billion years old, judging from the distance of the most far light coming from somewhere until it would come to us here. One could well ask if that is any measurement of a universe or beyond the reach of light to our universe. So the size of the universe in the widest sense of the word is totally beyond our understanding. One could also imagine in the size of the universe (‘s), what was happening before God decided that there should be one. Was God from eternity meditating and planning on the shape of this universal project for a billion trillion years? He would have had time for that!

It is interesting how He used a variety of materials and to make the universe. We know about electrons and protons and I don’t know much about all the other elements of an atom. The number of elements or arrangements and number pf particles are also numerous. Seems there were about 100 elements known when I was young and more have been discovered since. Must have been His creative leisure to play with these little “things” in so many arrangements. I wonder if there might not also be other and more elements than are known to scientists. What limit might be exist for God?

I am intrigued by God’s appreciation for the aesthetics as I have written elsewhere. It seems he made many things like color, sound, ecstasy, taste and other luxuries for the pleasure of humans beyond necessity for life. Must be like him to enjoy many things just because he could make them in his creative imagination. Think of the variety of plants and animals. Books are written on animal life with its infinite variety, and new ones are still being discovered. From insects that seem intelligent to animals that are almost human, each is capable of activities that bogle the mind.

We know about human emotions of which there are a great variety. But more mysterious are the emotions of animals of which we see only a glimpse.  Just today I saw a video of a dog in a swimming pool which could not get out. Another dog paced above him trying to find a way to help the miserable dog in the water. Finally that safe dog jumped in the water and came behind the struggling dog and pushed him up so he could get out. Sympathy, hatred, affectionate response to human emotions, like horses may remember that bad attitude a persons had hours before when the person now comes with a good attitude. It seems likely that animals have many emotions we understand so little. Even more amazing is some evidence that plants as well have feelings and some may detect friendly or hostel attitudes of humans passing by. Or plants that may communicate through roots to neighboring plants that the soil is dry and that neighboring plants should direct there root to a more favorable direction.

I am not a scientist, and wish I could document these and many more examples of wide spread feelings and communication between many fauna and flora. With the imagination we have, no doubt in the image of God, one wonders if not other living thing also have imagination comparable to ours. In fact, is it not possible that many species have a confidence that they also are made in the image of God? Is it outrageous to think that God may just as well communicate with many others of his beings? They fact that we can communicate a little with such animals as horses and dogs, and they can grasp some of our vocabulary, why would God not want to communicate with many of his other intelligent fauna and flora? One can speculate whether other species have also strayed from their Creator’s intent like man and God had to become special to redeem them. Feels like I am far out by now in my imagination. Perhaps far beyond the capacity of the most people. But if I can imagine it, is it not possible that a lot more is true than we assume and can be sure of? Why would man be the only creature who has a right to claim to be in the image of God and in a relationship? God loves us so much we feel special, but why would not others of creation also feel special? I can imagine it; why might it not be true?

I have not said anything here about God and the stuff we call inanimate. How do we know electrons don’t join together and have feeling- or even intelligence? Why would God only relate intelligently to so-called animate beings, a category we smart one have concocted?  Doesn’t all this mean that we most likely know only a miniscule amount of what actually exists about God and his relationship with the universe?  I would desire to be open to a greater understanding of who God is and how he relates to the world and the universe. I have no doubt that our understanding of God is extremely provincial or narrow minded, limited by the understanding of our scientific mentality. I believe we will all have many surprises when we finally see God in heaven as he really is. I doubt that we can even then grasp his infinity of nature, but it doesn’t hurt to start trying here and now, which I had tried to do here. Worship our great God with your own imagination. 

                                              The Roselawn Years, 1970-83

After I graduated from seminary in 1970, I was invited to visit Roselawn Mennonite Church in Elkhart and to preach as a way of the members learning to know me in consideration as pastor. Their previous pastor had been there for many years and it was considered they should have a new pastor and so they looked to the seminary for possibilities. They decided they want us to come and so after about a month, they asked me to start pastoring. 

We were still living in Goshen and so we commuted until we moved to Elkhart on Modrell Avenue.. We had looked around for proper housing and then found this place less than a mile from the church building. A old lady, Mrs. Fredrickson, wanted to sell the place after her husband had died. As we considered that the price of $14,000 was reasonable, we bought it at her price. She wanted to stay living in a little house on the lot and renting it from us. She gave us $50.00 per month and we made payments of $110.00 so we had to fork out only a net of $60 per month which was good for us. It was on a lot of over an acre so it was very nice for us for gardening, trees, and lawn. We moved around Thanksgiving Day and the children had to change schools in the middle of the semester. The house was a bit small for us and the boys had to sleep downstairs where the ceiling was low- at least for me, but then still ok for them. The girls had a room off the living room, kind of a sun room with a good closet.

I suppose the ministry went all right for me for a while, but within a year or two, it was somewhat obvious that some of the members expectations were a bit different from my own. The pastor was supposed to be the Spiritual leader and the congregation was organized to do the business of the church. The pastor was to be something of an invisible inspiration for the church as far as the mission of the church was concerned, but not as an administrator. I grew up where the leaders made most decisions for the church and then at Walnut hill, it was very democratic, at least based on member consensus and making decisions. But Roselawn had a church council that made most decisions and the pastor was on about every committee but without an administrative role. This may be confusing to the reader, but it also was for me and I probably did not understand all this for many years, possibly until I moved on from that church. Also the original members who had started the church were still there and were 10-20 years my senior. They knew how things should go and probably never thought any other way existed. Or was proper. Anyway, I preached and did what I thought was proper.

After I was there about a year, we became aware of a movement of the Spirit, commonly known as the Charismatic Movement. Some of the members went to Notre Dame and attended classes of “Life in the Spirit” in that Catholic setting. A few times we also attended their prayer and praise meetings. At the same time we also visited the Zion Chapel fellowship between Goshen and Elkhart for their Charismatic worship services which included a lot of singing, testimonies, and sometimes prophesying in tongues or English. One couple from Roselawn, the Chupps were very much into this and the wife had received a tremendous healing from depression that had been a real trial in their marriage. After she gave her testimony in a Roselawn meeting, we asked her husband what he thought about her testimony. He simply said, “I have a new wife.” One time we were at a meeting at the Chupps with Vic Hildebrand who was leader of Zion Chapel. He explained a lot about the Spirit and prayed for all who wanted it. He also asked if I wanted him to pray for the Baptism of the Spirit. I had been asking him questions all evening, and here it was after midnight. I said I wanted what ever God wanted to give me, so he prayed for me to receive the Baptism. It was about 2:30 until we got to bed that night. No, I did not speak in tongues as they likely hoped I would. But early the next morning, possibly before 6:00, I was wide awake and over in my study looking over many Scriptures about the Holy Spirit. Now it seemed to me that it all made sense the way it had been explained the night before. I had studied all my life and in seminary, but considered the miracles of the Spirit were for “those days”, rather than today. Now I saw the possibilities that there was a new thing that was real for our day. The next days and weeks I was reading a lot about the Spirit. I was also working for Ralph Miler on a house up close to Tri Lakes Church by the lake. It was a time of such closeness with God, not of my compulsion, but by God's initiative that then in those days I first spoke in tongues, probably in the evening at home in a quiet way alone. I did not tell Loretta for a few days and then when I did, she had no problems with it. I was careful not to speak in tongues as a thing of myself but only when I felt God was leading me lest it be a thing of my concoction rather than that of the Spirit.

I suppose my ministry was affected although I was cautious about talking about it a lot. I did preach 4 sermons in a row on the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives but never recommended that everyone seek the Baptism of the Spirit. There were only a few who were really talking about it, for example both Chupp families- Earnest and Elmer's. Eventually Elmer's left the church as we were not moving forward as they thought we should. They felt we should strongly preach and advocate the Charismatic teaching and experience. There was new life in our fellowship. We prayed for the son of one couple, who was into drugs and within a week he perked up Spiritually and became a Christian. Soon he was helping to lead the worship with guitar and praise songs for part of the worship time as we also continued singing the regular hymns.

It seems this spiritual movement was one matter that divided the church in my ministry. Some members wanted me to move faster Charismatically and others felt the church was going backward under my ministry. When my first term of 3 years was up, I told the leaders that I do not want to continue in ministry. Oddly, I cannot remember what we did in the months following, but we must have attended other churches regularly with our family. I was depressed, feeling that God had lead me into this ministry and now I was unable to fulfill it. I certainly felt in a maze of personal direction.

About this time I was once visiting at some neighbors a block south of our house. Here was a woman who was drinking and had been thrown out of the house she had been renting. Not knowing better, I brought her home and she stayed with us for the night. The next morning I showed her about becoming a Christian and she was ready. After I prayed for her and she also prayed, she just sat there and shook all over with laughter of relief from her problems. But her problems were not all over. Several times when she got her welfare check she marched out the door and spent several days and her money drinking. When she would come back she would feel that she had lost everything when she drank, but I told her to get up and walk again. Once Loretta pursued her on the bicycle and tried to stop her when she was rushing to drink after she had her check but to no avail. Eventually she was in a nursing home and stayed sober while she was there.

Other things were also happening at the same time we were away from Roselawn. Probably related to my work in a factory I had pinched nerves or carpel tunnel syndrome in both wrists. My wrists hurt excruciatingly and I could not sleep for several nights. I would pace the floor for about ten minutes and then lay down for 5 minutes, all night long. At one time my fingers hurt so much I asked Loretta to spread my bread. I remember once running out into the back yard in agony crying out to God, feeling an identity with all the suffering people of the world. When we took Marge, the lady with the drinking problem, to an apartment looking for a place to live, I could not sit in the car waiting for Loretta to check things out with her, but had to get out and paced the sidewalks in pain. After some days either I was tired enough to sleep, or the pain subsided a bit; I was able to sleep again some although I recall earlier, first sitting up in bed and throwing myself back in agony. I was learning some lessons in suffering although what was I supposed to learn?

During this time, there was also extra stress on Paul. He had started school at Bethany and they called us telling us to come to the school for him as he could not quite function in studying. I don't believe he was making a disturbance but he was restless and couldn't concentrate on his studying, He was talking a lot when we brought him home and while most made sense, his mind was going faster than he could link things together. We took him to Oaklawn Center for evaluation and they recommended he be hospitalize for treatment.

About that time I began working at Elkhart General Hospital as an orderly. My hands were some better but I felt I could not go back to factory work even though I could hardly afford working at the hospital for lower wages. Paul was at the hospital about four weeks when I started working there and was released, only to be admitted again for another 4 weeks. After he was released he got along ok at home on medication and went back to school, although at Elkhart Central High at first.

I felt comfortable with my work at the hospital which included a variety of activities and allowed me to interact with patients who were sick. Sometimes I told them that I knew what suffering was as I had such terrible pain in my hands. I transported patients to x-ray or surgery, and other places. Sometimes I was on patient care as a nurse aid, making beds, bathing patients, feeding those unable to feed themselves and helping them walk or exercise after surgery or in recovery. I worked there about 6 years before my course changed.

After away from Roselawn Church for several months I had a sense that I might be going back to Roselawn. I was not surprised when John Steiner, a well-known minister, came to our house and invited me to come back to Roselawn on a team with Wendell Yoder and him. I consented and was then on a team for 6 years, although Steiner soon faded away from our team. Wendell and I were very different from each other. I was a trained teacher with a listening ear. He was a persuader in preaching and I let him lead in most of the administrative leadership which was not my strong gift. We met weekly over breakfast and discussed our work and how we would divide our work, for example who we would be visiting.

Perhaps about a year after I began working at the hospital, about in 1975, we felt our house was small for our growing up family. We all agreed that Loretta could work and I could add to our house. She was able to get a good job at the hospital in the nursery which suited her fine, having had 5 babies herself. Daughter Grace was then 13 and with her we learned to cook, especially supper as Loretta worked the evening shift. I continued working at the hospital, sometimes part time, as I built the split-level three bedrooms at the end of our house.. Sometimes she and I were on the same hospital shift and sometimes I only saw her for the half hour our shifts over lapped. At first I didn't mind being separated from her but eventually I got really tired of being alone from her 5 evenings a week.

One thing we did over the years was attending the big church wide meetings with our family. Once we went to Ontario for a meeting and also to Niagara Falls. On the way we saw a dog crossing the highway and then looking back, saw a car flipping over with the people flying out, one person dying there. Apparently they tried to miss the dog that had also crossed the road in front of us. We also went to a conference on the Holy Spirit in Virginia about 1971, and to Estes Park in Colorado about 1978. As we hardly expected our children would always be with us, we bought a big station wagon and build a box on top of it and made a real trip out of it. We were in Manitou Springs, CO for about a week and went to Pike's Peak, the Royal Gorge, and other places before camping at Estes Park for the national assembly of the church. Our children who were becoming teens enjoyed these travelings and would meet youth from other states sometimes repeatedly. It was also a test of whether we could all get along together in close living out of the car for a time.

Once we went to Chicago for a one day outing and on returning we drove though heavy rain and hydro-planed at turnpike speed. When I told the family that I could not control the car, they were all praying, “God help us.” He did and we stopped safely, sliding sideways and one tire going flat in the skid on the rough berm. It was testimony time that next Sunday in church that God saved our family. The car that had flipped not long before was in the back of our minds- where one person had died.

One theme that has persisted throughout our life has been that of the need to use our money carefully. This was true whether we had more or less income. Probably the Roselawn years were the times of most continuous need to spend carefully. One reason was the income from pastoring half time coupled with what I could make with the other part-time job was less than I could have earned in a full time job or profession. Even with both of us working at the Hospital, the combined income was not exactly comfortable. Yet we never missed a due bill because of lack of finances that I can recall. Part of this was that in most limited circumstances, I would write down all our upcoming expenses and date them as to when they needed to be paid. Sometimes I had a list, who knows now, of ten to fifteen items from house payments to utilities, to credit cards (yes) and other miscellaneous expenses. Then I would pay them in the order they had to be paid to avoid late fees. 

It is also likely that in the years of our teens and related private high school expenses we likely had more expenses in the 70”s than any other time in our life. Fortunately, our children all helped with their own jobs and helped in buying their own clothes as well as what they wanted. They all had paper routes at some time and also all worked at fast food places or restaurants at some time. This helped us as well as gave them some experience in frugal and wise spending of limited resources, or whatever. There was a time when I would borrow from my children and then pay back when I received my pay check. At one time we even borrowed and just kept track of what I borrowed. Yet I doubt that they ever suffered nutritionally or medically or of any other necessity. God was always good even though it was inconvenient many times.

I suppose our parent/teen relations were quite normal or average, what ever should be considered as such. I clearly remember that I used to think that each or most of the children had a time of withdrawal from us in which they wanted to be more independent from us. It seemed to me that I was more tolerant than Loretta in expecting them to want to make their own decisions. We trusted them a lot. Probably I never accused any of our children of lying as I did not want them to think that I would even faintly expect that of them. No doubt they never told us every thing they did when they were away from home or in high school years. When it was difficult for them to appreciate church services, we insisted that they attended at least one Sunday service. If they had to work at a food place on Sunday, we tolerated that although it was not often and certainly not as we were raised. I feel we were fairly lenient and liberal with our children compared to how many parents today feel they need to guide their children. We probably grew up in a more simple and rural environment where parents could more easily grant freedoms to their children. It seemed when each of our children had gone through enough independence, they would come back and relate to us again more closely. I could think of many examples of the above items for our children, but I do not wish to name anyone. Any grandchildren can ask their parents how they got along with their parents, of where the trouble spots were.

In January 1978, we had our house fire. A traumatic, new, and life changing event. I was working at the hospital when I got the news and a secretary took me home- driving so slowly like she was in a funeral procession! Well. Cars were lined up as we came near our house. Smoke was coming from the house when I first saw it. Firemen did not know how to get at the base of the fire as it was all smoke filled, but it seemed to be mostly at the kitchen end of the house. I kicked in the basement door so they could work at it from there. They finally had it under control and then out. My study floor had burned out and the dining room floor sagged. The refrigerator had fallen down. The inside was one mass of smoke covered. Herbie the dog tried to survive in a closet and succumbed. Hardly any furniture was salvageable except the dining room table. All my college texts were badly smoked or charred as well as most my educational notes. A solid shelf of many translations of the Bible were gone as well as many slides and cassettes. Loretta and I sifted through the debris of my study in the basement for days to find slides, coins or what ever. It was a very dirty and smelly/smokey situation. It seemed that my study was the place of most damage which suggested it may had started from an electrical box which was downstairs below that room. The next day our church had already collected $1,000 to help us move along with new emergency expenses.

It was winter when the house burned. We lived over at brother Daniel's house and the blizzard of the decade followed close. Nine kids in the house, cousins and siblings. We made it somehow. Staying in Goshen, I had to drive Road 33 which was down to one lane. I stayed at the hospital one night so I could be there the next day as many had trouble getting to work. When we moved into the Fremont house after a week or two, we had hardly over a pick up truck load of stuff. . When we moved out a year later, we had much more. I don't remember where we got our beds and stuff. 

The insurance appraisers had come in just a few days. They considered the house a total loss except for that dining room table which was an antique that could be refinished. So we collected the whole amount for which it was insured, $17,000 minus that $100.00 table. Our first impulse was to buy another house and fix this one up in time. But a Realtor said there was no way to go looking for a house in that snowbound situation, which is how we then rented a house on Fremont house. Instead, in a few weeks we bought two 3-bedroom rentals on 728-732 West Garfield for $3,000 down on land contract. As I remember. I went part time at the hospital and spent as much time as I could repairing the house. We put in a new kitchen, two bathrooms, and made a study where the dining room had been, rearranging most of the old part. There was much sheet rock to replace and everything had to be painted with stain sealer to cover up the smoke scent. In just about a year we had it finished enough to move back in.

At the Fremont house, Conrad asked if a long-time friend, John Metzger, from Goshen could move in with us. With the house crowded a bit, I said he could if he wants to share the space. So he was with us and then moved over to our Modrell house when we moved back. John was at Bethany High School with our children. In his industrial arts class he built a big oak water bed which they also moved into the downstairs boys' room. Later John got a good job in furniture making and married a Christian girl, rising well above the malfunction of his family.

By 1980 it was again time to re-consider my role at Roselawn. I would have gladly quit and someone else take my place. But the church had such trouble deciding what to do that I finally offered to continue if they wanted me to. So they approved that and I continued for three more years. Wendell had left to work in another church so I was alone then as pastor. During that time I took real estate courses and became a broker, at the worst time as interest was very high and it was hard to sell houses. I also did home health care, helping people who needed just a little help like making meals, bathing and house sitting with them.

During those three years at Roselawn there were more changes in our family life. Conrad and Janet were married in 1980. Ron and Grace in 1982 and Bruce and Rachel in 1983. Conrad learned to know Bruce and Janet from work at Ponderosa. At some time, Bruce had moved in with us and thus became acquainted with Rachel. But earlier, Rachel had been in Belize in a Goshen College study/service trimester. In those three years when I was away from the church community I would sometimes think of other places where I could serve just as well.  In about May, 1983, we had Harold and Janice Gingrich at Roselawn for renewal meetings and also the church had an evaluation of my ministry. All these together: Rachel in Belize writing back interesting matters, the Gingrich presence, and the ambiguous ministry evaluation, led me to think this would be a good time to move on. So I terminated at that time at the end of the term in late 1983. I envisioned I would most likely serve as pastor in another church.  Meanwhile I got a job in a trailer factory. ( And bought the house at 1031 Middlebury Street on a tax sale for $825.00.) But Belize stayed in my mind and when we went to Virginia for the wedding of my niece Marilyn and Steve Schrock in May 1984 we stopped at Eastern Mennonite Mission in Pennsylvania and expressed an interest in Belize. Miriam Book who met us was so enthused about our interest that it made quite an impression on us and we wondered if God was calling us to Belize. Meanwhile, we had discovered Tri Lakes Chapel and became members there and soon I was an elder there. It was a most rewarding fellowship after we had visited other churches for about 9 months, making a survey of practices of the churches to be better aware of the styles and nature of other Mennonite churches. Once we visited Tri Lakes, we knew that was our church for then and stopped visiting other churches. But a new life lay before us that would change our lives forever as well as that of many others: Belize.

                                                    The Decade of My Twenties 

If the first twenty years were years of laying the foundation for my life, then my twenties were a beginning of reaching out to what my life was to be from then on. A time for marriage, children, education, service, and developing our home, and preparation for a life of service.

Loretta and I were married on December 22, 1957, in the afternoon of that winter day. We attended church services in the morning and likely had dinner at the church place, but that is vague for me, as well as what or where I was before the wedding service. We had the whole thing in the gym of Clinton Christian Day school which we both had attended. It was a wedding service like most church services of singing and preaching. I just remember one song that was sung, “So Nimm Den Mine Hande- So Take Thou My Hand”. My father preached and I suppose Loretta's father had the opening devotional of the service.

We wanted to record the service but that likely was never done before, so we had to do it secretly. A mike was placed high up behind the basketball board, which was directly above the speaker, and a cable led away to the room next to the gym. It was operated by Loretta's cousin, who, regretfully did not record the music but only the sermon. As far as I know we still have that recording on a seven inch reel as was common before cassettes although it is not totally clear because of the position of the mike.

After we were married, minus the kiss which wasn't yet in vogue in our church, servers carried around a light supper of chicken and noodles, salad, chips, and ice cream bars and cake. We and the wedding party sat at a straight table in front of the audience with cake, etc.. Flanking us were Loretta's Aunt Edna and Henry and on the other side, my brother Daniel and his new girl friend which I take credit of bringing them together at that point. After lunch, we rose to unwrap the gifts where we both unwrapped them and I held them up to show everyone and announce who had given them and thanked them . It is surprising how vague the details of that day were, compared how much I remember of my younger years. I doubt I was in a daze, but it somehow just flowed easily as it was a rather simple wedding with out many frills. Loretta does recall that she was still wearing her church shoes before the ceremony and had to send someone after her wedding shoes. 

And as for the kiss, after the service she and I were walking in the other school building, in the hall with hardly anyone around. I thought it was time for THE KISS, but she was so shy, about it, I can't remember if it actually really happened, or was it just a one-way kiss? Anyway, we were married, weren't we, with or without that ritual?

In the evening we were at my house for a youth fellowship and singing. I remember someone asked some question about us getting married, whether it seems different or something. I didn't feel much different. It just seemed fine when I thought about it. Otherwise, that was an ordinary evening for us and I went home with her and did not have to leave again. We had no honeymoon as no one did in those days in our group. We relaxed there about a week, and preparing for the next segments of our life- Bible school in Berlin, Ohio and then to Red Lake, Ontario.

It was a 6 week Bible School for youth, whether or not any had been to high school. We sat daily in classes and enjoyed it. We stayed at a home in the community and commuted daily. Marriage seemed so natural and good. We enjoyed being together everyday and living together. But one day we had our first disagreement. We were in the church building of the school and she was upstairs in the library and I at the bottom. She wanted me to come up and look around with her, but I didn't want to as I had wandered up there before. Why should I go up those stairs again? She just wanted me to be with her there. I suppose I gave in reluctantly, but it now seems foolish that I made an issue of it and hesitated to come up at least to please her.

When we came home from Bible school we prepared to go to Red Lake, Ontario for a two year term of service. The churches which were interested in missions had started this only several years before as an out reach to Indians in Canada. My sister and family were there so it was easy to fit into the unit of workers there. I believe there were about 8 adults in the mission unit. It was a long trip to Canada, about 1,200 miles. I don't remember if we drove straight through or stopped for the night, but I do remember that Loretta was so sleepy part of the way that I was not too happy that we could not talk much. 

At Red Lake Indian School, we settled in in the upstairs- really a long, steep stair up from the main floor where we had one of two rooms. Our kitchen was in the basement as well as the bathroom down two flights of stairs. It wasn't too bad except when she was down there cooking both for school lunches and for several staff persons. Sometimes I was way up there just relaxing when she was cleaning up downstairs. I know she missed me sometimes and wished I was down there to help her.

My work was in maintenance of the school, like janitor work and driving the school bus. Loretta helped in the kitchen and we both taught Sunday School classes. There were two classrooms and two teachers. It was a cold climate with winter seeming to last most of the year and only a few months between frosts. Once we went swimming in the lake and wore sweaters both before going into the water and when coming out. In the winter, temperatures went down as low as -40 degrees. I remember when it finally went above zero that winter, it seemed like spring was breaking. It had been below zero degrees for over a hundred days. But we adjusted to the weather with coats, boots and lined gloves, just a bit more than in the States.

We did many things besides work with the school and church. Once our group dismantled a dormitory that had housed a crew of workers who were building a dam about 40 miles south of Red Lake. We hauled the lumber home and built homes for Indian families. Another winter, we had a contract with a gold mine to bring in a hundred cords of wood. This was to provide labor for Indian men although for only a few. We used a truck belonging to a Jack Dunn in town to haul the wood. It was an old truck and we learned to unjam the transmission even if we were out in the woods in the cold. Once it was -30 degrees when we were cutting wood and we built a small fire, but it was too cold to sit down to eat. So we stood around and ate our nearly frozen pork and beans and sandwiches! It was not too bad as long as we were working, but to hold still, you were soon very cold. 

In the spring and summer we cleared land some for garden. The trees were small, only 4-6 inches in diameter. We would set dynamite under several trees and then light them and step back, counting the firing so we knew when they were all exploded. Then we would chop around the trees so they fell and we could more easily dig out the roots. We also dug a trench down to the lake, probably for 300 feet, perhaps 3 feet deep so the pipe would not freeze. The school building was built above granite rock so wells were impossible without drilling, which was eventually done.

After Loretta was pregnant with Paul, we moved down hill to a small house about 200 feet from the lake. Along the lake were high rocks which provided a beautiful sight over the lake. Sometimes we were there for a picnic in the summer. The lake was a common means of transportation for some. We went out on a canoe several times, once with our infant son and later when we went out we tipped the canoe, not realizing how easily that could happen with inexperienced canoeists. We did not fish much although others of our group did some. Many tourists came there to fish in this north country. We needed a translator for our church services and he lived across the lake. At least a few times I went after him with a boat we had. In the winter, we would drive across the ice on the lake with a car. Or around the lake by road. Once we drove quite a few miles out over the lake after the snow wasn't too deep any more, and we were later asked it if we went at a certain place where it wasn't always frozen. We weren't sure if that was where we had been. Once we heard that a tractor broke down through the ice.

The summers, however short, were a time you could just enjoy a lot of work and recreation. Once an Indian guide took us to a place outside Red Lake to a river where fish were going upstream to spawn. We went down there and sitting on rocks in the river, we reached down and caught fish with our bare hands and threw the out on the bank. We carried them through the forest in tubs and baskets and took them home and flayed them. They were not fancy fish but they were free for the sport of catching them. In Indian style, we used the waste of the fish for fertilizer under potatoes we planted.

Paul was born there in the early winter about 3 weeks before we expected him. She told me in the evening that this would be the night. I went to sleep and she stayed up. About 2:30 am, we went to the hospital on snow covered roads in that old 1950 Ford car. I was with her the whole time. When it was time to go from the holding room to the delivery room, about 5:00 am, the tall nurse looked at her and said, “I believe I can carry her over.” She picked her up and carried her over but remarked that she seemed heavier then expected. The birth was probably unremarkable as births go, but I didn't know what to expect. I was supportive at her head and barely saw the baby until he was there. I can't remember our exact feelings at that moment. I guess we were so young we didn't know what to think. Yet we were happy and elated to have this son. I remember that morning sitting at home and eating

breakfast alone, meditating over the fact that I now had a responsibility to raise that son properly.

When Paul was born, I was quick to call the new grandparents of his arrival. Three weeks later Paul had a new uncle, Linford, a new brother for Loretta. But his parents only informed us by letter, Guess babies were not a new thing for them!

We had many interesting cultural experiences with the Indians.[Nobody thought of calling them Native Americans in those days.] There was the Chief who was kind of a patriarch and I suppose some influence of the group. He was leader of their ceremonies, especially the pow wow. They would sit around a circle and beat their drums and sing in ways I couldn't imitate if I tried. We could hear then from our house and sometimes went closer to hear and see them. Once I tried to record them and one of them rebuked me because he said that was their worship service. I really never knew if they thought of it that way. They had a word for God which meant, Great Spirit. They also knew of an evil Spirit. On the lighter side, we always thought it was strange that when the chief and his wife walked past our house on the way to town, he would walk about 12-15 feet ahead of her.

The Indians had their own language and most spoke little English unless they had been away from their settlements up north and among English people. The language seemed as different from ours as Hebrew seemed later for me. I learned at least some dozens of words but few sentences. They called me something like Musgawasia, meaning long legged bird and Loretta was Noahwewon, or Noah's wife. Harvey was studying Ojibwa, that language, for a while. We wanted to teach them English so they could get along in society and the youth were better at that. Some of the Indian church members were able to communicate fairly well with us. One young woman was constantly telling her little active girl, “Gego, Mona” for Don't Mona. The Kesicks had worked at the forestry and were more assimilated. Leo, one teen, had a stereo and loved Elvis Presley music when Presley was fairly young. Several from that family came into the church and the Elvis fan later married a girl from Pennsylvania.

We enjoyed our life in Red Lake and could have made it a permanent place of service. However I longed to return to attend college so we terminated as planned. One thing I yet want to mention that after about 15 months there, we returned to Indiana for a short time to attend the weddings of my sister Esther and Loretta's Aunt Edna Mae.. We traveled in the long van we used as a school bus. Paul was only 4 months old then and that was his first visit to the States and to our family. At the Canadian border, the attendant officer was shining his light all around the van to see who all was there. When he came onto Loretta he asked, “And who is this little girl?” We had to tell him who Paul was.

We came back from Red Lake in February, 1960 and moved to Loretta's home place. I got a job in a factory which was easy in those days, first at Schultz Mobile Homes on Route 20 and then to Windsor in Bristol. If we did not especially like one job, or they paid more at another, we changed jobs just like that. Wages at that time were about 2.00 per hour, But then you could also buy meat like chicken and hamburger for under 30 cent a pound. We rented the house from her parents for $25.00 per month and bought gas and milk off the farm for 26 and 50 cents per gallon respectively. Our first car was a 1954 Chevy which we bought for $600. It was more than 15 years until I spent more than $1,000 for a car.

In the fall of that year, I began my college career at Goshen College. Not having finished high school, I took the GED tests and was admitted on that basis. It seemed I could usually keep up with most other students. Certainly during the years I was out of school, I had read a lot in my spare time and so my mind was not in neutral. I was 23 when I started to college. It seems a bit odd that they asked me at the admissions office why I wanted to go to college and just as unique what my response was: to learn how I can share the Gospel better. They probably had few Amishmen seeking admission and fewer yet with such a response! Because I had not saved much for college, I took only an evening course the first semester- Fine Arts, an Amish man studying, Bach, Rembrant and Beethoven? I passed anyway. The next semester I enrolled full time. That same month Conrad was born and now we had two boys. I commuted to college and usually studied until about 6:00. I did not study much at home except like required reading which did not require as much concentration and I could be more open to the needs of the family and spend time with the children when they would come to me or needed attention..

At the end of my third year in college, I was asked to teach at Clinton Christian Day School which I had attended over a decade before. Three of us teachers taught grades 7-10. I taught English, science, health and Bible. The 7-8 grades were quite a challenge with about 42 students in the two grades. The high school classes were easier, smaller and more self disciplined. In college I had started out in elementary education, then switched to an English major in high school teaching, but then decided to get that major without the teaching practical work. I studied Greek language for two years as I hoped to attend seminary later and Greek did not count for credit in seminary. While teaching I took several correspondence courses to be ready for graduation in that year, 1965. I was not too happy with the challenge of keeping order in the class room as well as teaching which I thought was my job. Well, they did not invite me to teach the following year. Oddly, I had four children of the chairman of the school board in my classes so they were ready informants of my first teaching experience. Just as well!

During my college years, Grace was born the year after Conrad and a year-plus later Rachel was born. I remember Paul as a new born was so quiet and patient he did not cry the first 3 weeks. Grace in contrast demanded with crying that seemed to say, “Why didn't you take care of me before now?” Rachel was a smaller baby- after Grace was so big- 8lb. 10oz- and more calm and patient and could have been slighted because she was not demanding any more than what you would expect. I hope it was not because I was too busy with college that I can't really remember how Conrad was as a baby. I do remember playing a lot with the children and enjoying them. One time when I was fixing a speaker high up on the outside of the house, Paul climbed way up high on the ladder. Once Grace sat into the mop bucket and just sat there laughing about it. Another time she ran through a door with a broken window glass and cut her arm something big that took a lot of stitches which I suppose still shows. She usually just pushed the door open by the glass- which this time was not all there!

I can't explain exactly why, but for two years after college graduation I worked in trailer factories supporting the family instead of going on to seminary. I suppose finances with our growing family while in college was a main factor, and lack of boldness, frustrations of our church, little enthusiasm from Loretta, I just didn't get started with my seminary studies quickly.

In 1965, we also moved to north Goshen, buying our first home, on Middlebury Street. It was an old house for just $5,000. It had a big back lot and we tried to garden the sandy soil. I tore down the old garage and built a new one and also made some changes in the back porch and built a study for myself. It was still just an old house with a low basement and floors, especially the bedroom that literally slanted down hill, perhaps 6 inches or more. But there we would pray each night with our children, 4 by then. I realized at one point that they spoke German better than English, so I started praying in German. Oddly, our ordinary talk was German, but our religious talk, and praying, and reading was English. But I wanted our children to know what I prayed so I prayed in German.

During those two years, we were more and more frustrated with Woodlawn church which seemed so ingrown and with church services so unchallenging. In 1965, they choose a new leader, by lot. Seven men were in the lot, and I was not among them. I felt some call to preach. In fact when the ministers were preaching, sometimes I would make outlines on what I would want to preach if I had the chance. The ministers just preached stuff every one had learned a long time ago, so I thought. Possibly sitting in college classes day after day and hearing new stuff all the time, made it all the more obvious to me that I was not being challenge in any way by their preaching except to learn patience and endurance! Finally, I told Loretta not to make me go back anymore.

Someone told us about Walnut Hill Chapel in north Goshen which was actually only a few blocks from our home. We went there once, possibly in February of 1967, and then kept going there after that. We became members in the fall just as college was starting. It was a very good move for me and the family. I felt as if I was finally coming back home into a church where I had really belonged. There were various families there about my age and also college students or graduates. They were very accepting and affirming. The preaching was not totally inspiring but it was at least different and it was not a minister controlled church like Woodlawn had seemed. We had excellent fellowship with the members there.

That same fall we joined Walnut hill, I started going to seminary. I had been thinking for some months before about enrolling. But Loretta was not much interested in becoming a minister's wife, so I put it off until the last weeks to enroll. When I told Loretta that I had enrolled, she acted a bit surprised. Anyway, I went on and thoroughly enjoyed my studies. One year I worked part time and went to classes part time, working in Elkhart not far from where we later lived. There we made truck campers and I worked on metal on the sides of the campers. At that time the Goshen seminary had a joint program with the Elkhart, General Conference, campus. And so I traveled to both places different days of the week. Before I graduated, both campuses were together in Elkhart. At the church the last years another seminary student and I preached some, partly as a part of our seminary training and testing for ministry. So I graduated in 1970 with a Masters of Divinity degree, the typical degrees for various ministries. When I was first in seminary, I considered three possible options for ministry: Pastoral, missionary, or social work of some kind.

Julie was born while we attended Walnut Hill Church. As we imagined her to be be the last one, I tried to remember everything about her pre-born months as well as early childhood. I remember one night in the latter stages, Loretta just could not sleep because the baby was pushing up against her diaphragm, I suppose, and making her very miserable. So I laid my hands on the big bulge and prayed for her- them! And then I waited a bit. Loretta responded very soon, “It doesn't hurt anymore.” Sometime during those months we gathered the children around [like for a recorded news conference] and asked them if they would like to have a new baby in our family. They were very excited about it when we told them one was coming. They were old enough that they could understand and then were very happy when she came.

 It was 5 years since we had any babies so we were all ready and really pleased with the new one. When she could walk, she would get up early sometimes and come out to my study where I sat reading before others were up and sat there on my lap. But once when she was sitting on my lap there, she innocently stuck a pencil in my ear and I fainted and had to pick myself up from the floor. I don't remember what happened to her just then, but I was not out more than a moment.

About that time before the end of the decade, Paul was the first of our children to get a paper route. Conrad liked to help him and they had to do the collecting together. I believe they eventually divided the route, although later kids that age couldn't do it that young. We also had guinea pigs in a pen in the yard and at one time two Dutch rabbits, which were a bit smaller than regular rabbits and black and white, very beautiful.

It was the time of the Viet Nam war and many Americans were hard against it. With another seminary student we walked around the upper class areas in Elkhart asking people what they think about the war to raise awareness. With others we also stood on the court house lawn in Goshen in protest of the war which killed thousands of Asians and over 50,000 Americans. The hippy culture with drugs was in vogue where moral standards were lowering and they had a slogan, “:Make Love, not War.” Because Nixon claimed to have a plan to end the war, I voted for him in 1968. Later I wrote letters to our representative and the president urging an end to the war and received back form letters acknowledging my writing. Nixon sent a long, perhaps 30 page justification of the war.

At our time at Walnut Hill, our children went largely from speaking German to English. Loretta has recalled that when Grace was in kindergarten, she noticed that Grace began to talk to Rachel in English. Julie was born in 1968, and so never went to Woodlawn and never learned more than a few words in German. None of the children learned to speak above the pre-school level in German except possibly Paul. It is likely that Julie first spoke in German but soon we talked more English than German.

                      Some Things I Have  Done By the Grace of God

                                              ( Read…’by the Grace of God’ ending each statement)*

        1. I made a serious commitment to put God first in my life and kept it so far… by the     

         Grace of God.

2. I fathered and raised 5 children with the help of a spouse…

3. I lived an example of Christian faith and life that encouraged my children to make the same commitment I did…

     

      4. I served happily two years in Canada as a volunteer in missions and gained some           experience in cross-culture living with the Indians there…

5. I graduated with two degrees to prepare myself for a life of service in the church                  

          and for Christian ministries where ever I would go….

     6.  I served a small church for 12 and a half years as pastor, planting seed and faith and love in the hearts of people… 

    7.  I was a witness in the community… where I pastored so that I would later occasionally meet people who were encouraged to faith by that ministry.

     8.  I bought and paid for our first house while I was in training or shortly there after…

     9.  I served with satisfaction and a sense of ministry at Elkhart General Hospital for 6 years...

     10.  I became a real estate broker and at least got a feel of the business world in that area…

     11.  I accumulated real estate rentals mostly at bargain costs that have provided for my later life of service and to help many families and students…(See Appendix B)

    12. I lived a life of frugality and Christian stewardship in the tradition of my father which also instructed my children and enabled us to adapt to a poorer culture and help many people to a better life…

                  

13. I became an internationalist, a citizen in another Kingdom where I can feel at home where ever I roam in another human culture…

14. I taught lay members and young church leaders in Belize for 5 and one half years.

15. I gained many friends in a new culture that are bonded as closely as members of          my original culture and family…

     16.  I made many friends of children, youth, and older people in Belize who will always be in my heart, and leaving something of my love for them in their hearts…

      17. I overcame a youthful life of insecurity, feelings of inferiority, and low self-esteem …by meeting many people and God who loved me and believed in me before I accepted myself.

      18. I found church homes where I could grow in my personal and Spiritual life in the Mennonite Church, first at Walnut Hill and later on at Trilakes Community Church…

      19.  I have become what many people describe as a loving person… after growing up with minimum affirmation and limited outward expressions of love from parents.

      20.  I have become financially secure in and by God’s design and by relinquishing the right to become rich in this world, seeking rather to be rich in God...

       21. I have found peace and joy in my life by committing my life to service and sharing the manifold Gospel to persons with many needs…

       22. I have found forgiveness many times for my many failings and the courage to continue serving God…

       23.  I have found some meaning in a life of many burdens, recognizing them as God’s special desire for me to grow into his likeness in ways I am still seeking to understand…

24. I have found a satisfying life in the service of God without the comforts of the American way of life…

25.               I have continued in a mentality of learning where I am curious of many things and hoping to maintain that desire to learn as long as I live… 

                                                  

26.  I have learned to say yes and no to needy people in ways that usually meet my convictions, resources, and needs, and still maintains respect from them…

27.  I have grown Spiritually by climbing by faith in many kinds of terrain…

28.  Many times I have found myself calm when around me swirls the confusion of too many kids in Belize…

29.   I have learned to be content alone for periods of time…

30.    I have become able to look at my original culture and another culture and see the strengths and weaknesses in each, and choose to live by a Higher Culture, the Kingdom of God, unfettered by any human culture …

31.   I have become both content and craving in my Spiritual life so that I desire to always press on in God’s way for me…

32.  I have earned the respect of many youth and children and adults so that they will respond to me in their pain and needs as well as for fellowship…

33.    Even in my years over 70, I have learned in Belize…to relate in confidence with even pre- scholars, comforting them in their crying so that they are strengthened to bear their big/little burdens, and trust me, winning their friendship and bonding with them so that they rejoice in my appearing like any birth children to their father…

     

34.  For several years I preached at Lynom prison by the Grace of God, and later a man came to our house who was leading evangelistic meetings in town saying he came to bless me, testifying that I planted the seed when he was in prison about 1991 and later he has dedicated his life to spreading the Gospel throughout Belize.

35. I have learned to handle material blessings without letting them control me…especially when living in a culture of poverty, sharing rather than hoarding for a comfortable life, and still be happy by the grace of God.

36.  I have learned to trust God to some extent for the security of our home  in Belize…even though we have been broken into several times.

37.    By the grace of God, I found a place and country of work in his service that has been

              meaningful for over 20 years so that it was hard to leave it without another call of    God.

 38. By the grace of God I retired from a meaningful life in Belize, believing God was leading us on to a life in the States where he has rest and new work for mylife

 * I would never have thought to make this list except that a missionary couple from Guatemala visiting at our house in Belize thought I should do so. It was only in recognizing the special favor of God in my life that I permitted myself to write these things. (cf, II Cor. 4:1

              Eighty Things That Might Interest My Grandchildren (and Great Grandchildren)

 71. What life was like when I grew up without electricity (let alone electronics and telephone) running water and without an indoor bathroom in the winter, or cars to get around.

 72. How much I enjoyed living in Belize for 25 years, in the tropics with so many friends, a relaxed culture, a thousand fruit trees and so much more- like living on the Caribbean shores most of the years.

 73. How little I missed American living in all those years- except for family, and why I did not miss anything else.

 74. How we traveled through Mexico 7 times and sometimes had amazing experiences where it seemed we had angels watching over us in strange situations that could have been extremely difficult or worse.

 75. To read my biography if I ever get it down to size and on e-book- if I ever do.

 76. How I follow a regular morning routine that various little throughout the week: make coffee, use the bathroom, check the computer until coffee is ready; and then while drinking it, sit on the couch while Loretta reads a devotional, and then we, I especially, may talk until Loretta is a bit tired and we pray, especially interceding for family, missionaries, our grandchildren abroad. Also for our renters and Belize friends, the government, and wisdom for the day- all these, and nearing each weekend, we pray for our church and churches around the world.  Also that God would act in many situations- like with oppressors and the persecuted, and a few more things personally, not always in the same order. Then we bring in the newspaper and it’s time for breakfast, for me at least. All these every morning with the order varying a bit.

 77. Our daily life is mixed with a lot of freedom to do what we want to, with Loretta often in the back yard weeding while I am on the computer with email, Facebook, news, interesting articles, games and sometimes music on YouTube while reading. The demand to work at rentals sometimes disrupts a lot of retirement freedom. O yes, it also gives us opportunity to share our livelihood (financial) and conversation with about 5 single parents in Belize about once or twice a month.

 78. Can you imagine what it feels like to have 29 direct descendants by the year you turn 80. Names I can remember, birthdays, not so good.

 79. How interesting it would be if you would all note the most important things that happen to you each decade- how interesting your story would be by the time you reach 80!

 80.      How it feels to be 80 years

                            Eighty Things I Never Did and Probably Never Will

 71.  Become a millionaire or even get out of debt, especially on my home equity line of credit.

 72. Visit all the countries where my grandchildren have served in some kind of mission.

 73. Become a comfortable evangelist in ordinary conversations with persons.

 74. Get back the physical strength and endurance of my youth.

 75. Publish all the things I wrote that might be worth reading for someone.

 76. Be completely comfortable and humble when I am complimented or idealized for my life commitments.

 77. Relate on the same emotional level with my wife.

 78. Find a comfortable balance between looking forward for Heaven and yet enthusiastic about the present life.

 79. I have never been able to come to a well-balance view of Scripture as it relates to the idea of inspiration- what inspiration should really mean.

 80. Learn how to use all of my retirement time wisely, or know if God has such a plan or concern of  that for me.

                                          Eighty Things I Still Wonder About (Just curious)

 71. When I read of the amazing discoveries of astronomy on the vastness of the universe and the great age of stars, I wonder how anybody can imagine it all just happening by itself without  an even greater mind and powerful Being behind all of it, still far Greater than we can imagine.

 72. I still wonder if heaven is anything like people have thought of in history- whether it is more like here on earth perfected, or almost totally different in many dimensions. Will there be animals in Heaven?

 73. I still wonder if there are any perfect marriages. If any think theirs is, are they bored, or supremely happy.

 74. I always thought of myself as being of perhaps slightly above average in intelligence but some tests have suggested perhaps a higher IQ than I ever thought of myself. I wonder. Well, so what?

 75. Is hell actually what many have thought as like an eternal, burning fire? When I stood before a blazing brush fire, I wondered if any God could have the will to cast any person in there. I wonder if it may be any longer than just until the person has died. To realize there is no turning to God might be hell.

 76. Will we be spirit beings in Heaven, or more like the present? Will we see God physically or Spiritually?

 77.  I wonder if God has been pleased with my life, or if he just forgives and loves me anyway.

 78.  Will all people be judged alike by God, or does he have a much more complicated way of looking at people than the way we do.

 79.  I wonder if God will grant my prayer to take me to him easily as I pray, or if it will be like a long examination before I can go. And when?

 80.  I wonder if I should just relax and trust God and quit wondering so much.

                                                     Publishable Crazy Ideas

                                                                                                                                      
After praying a similar prayer before eating for the thousandth time, I imagined God listening in with a chuckle and saying softly, “I heard that before” What is my alternative? The next time I pray, shall I just say,”Same as last time, Amen”.  I really don’t know how not to be repetitious after 60 years of praying before meals. Sometimes I just bow my head and we pray silently. July 18, 2017

How did I feel after the church service today, just standing around?  Tired, weak, isolated. After I came home and reflected on this, I added the words detached, unsociable, and heavy eyes. I wondered if this is the definition of being old?  Yet I would have been glad to respond to anyone taking initiative toward me. But why would anyone stop and talk? I wondered if I looked as old and uninteresting as I felt.                                                                                                                                                                                                       
One of the biggest mistakes we make is
Assuming that other people think the way we do.
                 From FB  August 2017
     
With Loretta at Kroger’s today, I realized that I was constantly urging her on so we can get home. I  figured out this difference we have when we are in a store: I try to get out as soon as I can, realizing that it may easily cost me 10 to 20 dollars for every half hour we are longer in a store than what we came for.  She, on the other hand feels she may well save 10 to 20 dollars for looking around for sales, (bargains)for a half hour. I told her my discovery as we were going out. She affirmed that she likes to buy whatever bargains she can find. My reasoning is that when you don't actually need anything, then nothing is a bargain and you save the most by getting out of there as fast as you can. So, which makes more sense to a younger reader??

But it was a kind of a break-through today at Walmart when she went with me for my money-gram business and as I went to do that, she said she really has nothing she wants to look at, she doesn’t need anything. It’s so contrasting to her usual motivation that she always has things on her mind when we go to a store. Running out of wants- that’s a break-through.                 October 23, 2017

If we would want to update our house, it may not be as the next owners would want it and they would have to do it then any way. So, if we can be content while we are here, why don’t we just wait and let the next owners do it then as they wish?

I am also aware of my age. I may have anything from several years to a decade or some more, but longevity is so totally uncertain, and I am content as our environment is. I want to simplify my life environment, not complicate it spatially, and financially. With my limiting strength for work, making changes to our house is a much bigger challenge than it was to rebuild it back in the 70’s. Sept. 2017


We were out on the pontoon with Son Conrad and two of his children. Though these two adults have been married for some years, neither have any children. I wondered if their parents had neglected to tell them all about the birds and the bees!       Sept 3, 2017                                                                                           

A wild idea, perhaps too far out to even put on paper, but- I wonder now if I may have been considerably smarter all along from childhood with a higher IQ than I ever supposed.  But because I had a low opinion of myself, I never recognized my mental acuity. . Those silly quizzes on FB usually suggest so- perhaps an IQ of 150 or more. But then all my writings with over 120 blogs; my biography and many other writings and some diaries of random ideas like this one of “Crazy Ideas”- who am I and with what capacities? Never saw myself who I might actually be! How wild, or am I losing my senses?                                                                                           January 11, 2018

Last night we were watching an old movie from 1991, of our trip driving to Belize. As we were conversing on tape- Loretta and I, I was touched by the sight of her youthful beauty, wondering if I really appreciated that lovely person at that time of our life. Later in bed I wanted to talk about it but was flustered by the concern that bringing up this subject of her former beauty, it might stir her feelings that I may think she lost a lot of that. Somehow I managed to ask if she is aware that she has changed appearance in the by-gone years. She said she is aware of that. I could then tell her that I regret that I did not appreciate her and be a better husband back then. Off to dreamland then, she before me.                                                                                                        January 29, 2018