Reflections My Leaving and Longings

Something hard to talk about to anyone and be taken seriously is the feeling that I may not grow old in this life like my father or grandmother. Perhaps a lot less years than either. In Belize already these thoughts came to me and it is not with any fear or dread, although with some deep emotion that I cannot verbalize even to my self. It seems that would be all right, as also how my younger brother did not shrink from moving forward when his day was coming. Why such feelings come without any known basis is a mystery, unless God is graciously preparing me for something. I had hoped to have many years of unwinding and sharing all the things I had learned in life with my children and grandchildren. I am most grateful that God has already called some of our grandchildren to a life of deep dedication to service and ministry to the world. Perhaps my life has been a slight example of what God’s call to Christians is all about.

But how I might stimulate others to listen to that call of God would be my greatest desire in the rest of my life. I wish my writings of the past years were more positive and stimulating to who ever finds them. Instead, they are so much of my own mental searching to understand my life and relationships. I wish I had a forum where I could have a writing ministry to many that would challenge people to a full devotion to God. It haunts me that I see many people who think they are religious and in God’s will, never the less squandering time and resources on themselves while a billion people are hungry and starving for the Gospel.

This culture binds people to a standard of living that hinders nearly all Christians from devoting their wealth to the furtherance of the Gospel. We have tried to be free from the demands of culture, but the tentacles are ever trying to bind us to cultural standards so that we also come into bondage to it. Living abroad was liberating, but here we have few defenses except our perceptions and memories of the needs that daily pressed upon us in Belize. Perhaps we can do more when we pray, as a pastor friend in Belize use to say. I hope a meaningful life emerges for us while we are here in the States this year.                                                                                                                          7/6/09

All this relates to a sense some months ago that my life may not be extended into the 90’s like some of my predecessors. It seemed strange that such thoughts came into my mind and that so clearly. Like the time I was at the market and the lines from a old song reverberated so distinctly: “Through the valleys of this life, I have traveled, and I’ve worked for Jesus all along the way; but now life’s evening sun for me is setting; I have reached the ending of my way”. It also happened about that time that I had a sense that our time in Belize was drawing to a close. Both perceptions seemed surprisingly comfortable with me, contrary to what I would have felt shortly before.

                                                                                                                                      Nov. 21, 2009

Written while still committed to Belize, about 5 years ago. Most of the sentiments are still relevant today and I am becoming more content and at peace with the life God is allowing us. In fact, retirement seems an undeserved reward for the life God gave us for many years. Yet, I am still hoping for several more decades with family, friends, the church and the local community.                                                                                                                                                     September 2014