Reflections My Leaving and Longings

Something hard to talk about to anyone and be taken seriously is the feeling that I may not grow old in this life like my father or grandmother. Perhaps a lot less years than either. In Belize already these thoughts came to me and it is not with any fear or dread, although with some deep emotion that I cannot verbalize even to my self. It seems that would be all right, as also how my younger brother did not shrink from moving forward when his day was coming. Why such feelings come without any known basis is a mystery, unless God is graciously preparing me for something. I had hoped to have many years of unwinding and sharing all the things I had learned in life with my children and grandchildren. I am most grateful that God has already called some of our grandchildren to a life of deep dedication to service and ministry to the world. Perhaps my life has been a slight example of what God’s call to Christians is all about.

But how I might stimulate others to listen to that call of God would be my greatest desire in the rest of my life. I wish my writings of the past years were more positive and stimulating to who ever finds them. Instead, they are so much of my own mental searching to understand my life and relationships. I wish I had a forum where I could have a writing ministry to many that would challenge people to a full devotion to God. It haunts me that I see many people who think they are religious and in God’s will, never the less squandering time and resources on themselves while a billion people are hungry and starving for the Gospel.

This culture binds people to a standard of living that hinders nearly all Christians from devoting their wealth to the furtherance of the Gospel. We have tried to be free from the demands of culture, but the tentacles are ever trying to bind us to cultural standards so that we also come into bondage to it. Living abroad was liberating, but here we have few defenses except our perceptions and memories of the needs that daily pressed upon us in Belize. Perhaps we can do more when we pray, as a pastor friend in Belize use to say. I hope a meaningful life emerges for us while we are here in the States this year.                                                                                                                          7/6/09

All this relates to a sense some months ago that my life may not be extended into the 90’s like some of my predecessors. It seemed strange that such thoughts came into my mind and that so clearly. Like the time I was at the market and the lines from a old song reverberated so distinctly: “Through the valleys of this life, I have traveled, and I’ve worked for Jesus all along the way; but now life’s evening sun for me is setting; I have reached the ending of my way”. It also happened about that time that I had a sense that our time in Belize was drawing to a close. Both perceptions seemed surprisingly comfortable with me, contrary to what I would have felt shortly before.

                                                                                                                                      Nov. 21, 2009

Written while still committed to Belize, about 5 years ago. Most of the sentiments are still relevant today and I am becoming more content and at peace with the life God is allowing us. In fact, retirement seems an undeserved reward for the life God gave us for many years. Yet, I am still hoping for several more decades with family, friends, the church and the local community.                                                                                                                                                     September 2014

                                                          Me and My Mother

                                                          (From my Biography)

There is no doubt in my mind that my mother has been the person of greatest influence in my life. From as far back as I can remember and certainly much longer, she was there to help me be the person I am today. It was her holy calling , she felt, to help me be the person God wanted me to be and become. Once she said that if she had only cared for us when she felt well, we would often have gone hungry or forage for ourselves. No doubt she also strove to teach and train us and me, perhaps especially, to become what she sense was her call from God.

I recall knelling at her knees, and learning a prayer which she hoped would make be a praying person on my own. I don't remember that it was for a long period of time that she had this practice, but she no doubt taught all her children to pray. She was a praying person. When Dad was away traveling, she led the family in Scripture reading and prayer. She wore her prayer veil at night in bed so she would always be ready to pray which I assume was her resort when she lay awake at night. She was concerned about all her children and I was there in the middle of her caring.

She was a teacher in many ways. She had a way of impacting ideas that have stuck deeply all my life.

Some things were simple, but never to be forgotten. Like when someone asks for something like a drink of water: serve them first before yourself. Scripture verses were a technique of teaching. “Honor others above yourself.” Don't inconvenience another person carelessly, like”Don't make someone wait on you.” Or against laziness- “Go to the ant thou sluggard; consider her ways and be wise.” Don't strengthen you words with I am sure: “Let your yes be yes and your no, no. What is beyond that is from evil”. The list of teachings from Scripture could go on and on.

She taught us respect for people in other ways. Don't say. “It is just like him to do so”. And you don't tell someone he is crazy if you disagree with him, even if you have strong feelings. Absolutely never call someone a fool. Oddly, we said 'thank you' mainly to persons outside the family. I don't know why that was. Did we say please? I don't know. Respect even though not today's politeness was stressed.

She was a person of peace and harmony. She may have chafed at Dad's frustrations, but would say little. Arguing at the table was called down. Once when my brother and I had a quarrel, we had to walk arm in arm from the barn to the house in demonstrated peace and unity. When I complained at how my sister made a long issue of eating her required single bite of oatmeal which she so detested, I was instructed to “look onto your own plate.” When our aging Grandfather live and ate with us, we were discouraged from arguing with him, regardless what subject came up.

She was much concerned that I would relate to her as a child should should- to respect and obey her as the Scripture prescribes for a child to do. She was creative and deliberate in her commitment to my upbringing. I found an original copy of a letter of her concerns for me in which she asked questions and I was to make commitments of “yes” (which I did):

“Will you pray for me that I can be a better mother and more understanding?” _____

“Will you be more quiet?”_____

“Will you be kinder to your brothers and sisters?”_____

“Will you refrain from talking back[to me]?____

“If you are told to do something, will you do it without being told the second time?”____

“Will you walk and sit down more decently?”____

Will you respect your father and grandfather more and not talk over them [gossiping about them]?”____

Will you be willing to do more than ask with a willing heart?”____

Will you be more quiet at the table?”____ [There were many of us at meal time.]

She concluded, “I will be praying because I know there is power in prayer and the devil will not want you to heed this and discourage you and say there is no use, but don't believe him. Christ is all powerful.”

I returned the paper with my commitments and request, “Pray for me that I do these things that I promised.”

She was a person of deep conviction and a sense of responsibility for and to me. That no doubt was passed down to me and all of us siblings. It was a pattern for me to raise my own children with a deep sense of challenge for them to become persons with self discipline, which was a challenge for me in my youth. I credit her for a sense of seriousness of life as Christians. Perhaps her sense of humor was not strong, but her role of “bringing us up for the Lord” was dominate in all of her life. I can only wish that I had made her life easier and been more responsive to her goals for me. She graduated to an early reward from God at the age of 73, a loss to me that I could no longer expect her loving concerns for me in my daily life.