TOO MUCH HELP

                                     (50%  tongue-in- cheek; Which half?)

It seems that from a long time, people have been very helpful in giving me information and guidance in abundance. From the time my mother gave me endless instructions on right behavior, and tried her best to cull out misbehavior, down to my retirement years when my wife is constantly pointing out my misspeaking and misjudgments, I have had an array of endless assistance in going down the path of prudence and wisdom, let alone practical directions. Recently I have been mulling over this phenomenon of my life and tried to understand just what might be behind all this.

It may just be that I have been surrounded by people who really care about me, far beyond what many people experience. My mother tried to show her love by trying to make me an obedient and decent boy. She tried so hard, my sisters once agreed privately to each other that I was the one who received more spankings than any of the other children, topping out all 8 other siblings. Why she singled me out for this concern is beyond me. It was the same in school, not with spanking, but with teachers who were desperate to keep me from expressing my thoughts and feelings privately during the class hour. Once a teacher kept me and an attractive girl in at recess time and said we can talk all we wanted to. It was not nearly as fun as it should have been, for some reason. It seems they always had me in their watchful eye. As a married person I worked in a factory where I was also surrounded by people who gave me a lot of attention. They observed my work, and urged me to “work a little faster if you can stand it”. They tried to help me be a super worker, a drive that has never fully left me. And as we as a family would be on the road, sometimes my wife would watch the road more carefully than I, telling me when I was catching up with the car in front, or when pausing at a stop sign, telling me there was a car coming down the road just as I was starting up after surveying both directions. Who knows the accidents she spared us from by her constant co-watching traffic and the road for us, noticing even if I drove too close to the center of the road, or the edge. One just can’t have too much caring help in such dangerous ventures as driving on roads fraught with all kinds of potential pitfalls. Yes, I have always been surrounded with a multitude of caring people to assure that I would survive securely to a ripe old age in the best of shape.

Another reason for receiving such an abundance of help in my life may simply be that I take life so casually. Few things were hard for me, whether studying, building a house, graduating from college, supervising supper for a dozen kids, or minding my own business. Driving a car was a more common thing to me than riding a bicycle as an adult, and much easier. It was just automatic, sitting there, talking, and hands lightly on the wheel. Once I discovered on a trip in the Wild West, that our station wagon could hold the road for over a mile, with my hands actually only inches above from the steering wheel. My fingers were right there, but not close enough for some family members. My son told me recently that I was careless, not minding to things carefully. Probably often I could not have cared less about focusing on something that I had done a thousand times, and knew exactly how carefully I had to be to make things come out in a way satisfactory to me. Ah there’s the rub; while others spent 110% of the time necessary to do something perfectly, I do a 98% job in half the time. Like sweeping the living room rug, which with a bunch of kids around will look the same in an hour, whether I do things my way, or others spend twice as much time on the job. Life is too short to do a perfect job on only half the things that should be done. Better do all that needs doing at 98% perfection than half at super perfection. Or I recall how my teens felt I was not very excited when they were facing crises with no way out as they saw it. I just remembered a teacher who taught us that there were always two choices in everything. Just sit down and think, and choose the best solution. That I why I never faced a crisis as a dead end; there are always two ways out, even out of this life. So, many people not knowing that life can be taken casually, and we can accomplish far more by concentrating and considering the proper next moves, or the cost-effective way of work, or job, more than getting all steamed up about things, they think I just take things too casually and want to help me in ways not really necessary.

There may be a third reason people have been so helpful. Besides seeming so casual, I also appear very vulnerable and defenseless. I don’t project myself ostensibly or pretentiously; I am just me, confident, quiet, and a very safe, undefensive person to help. I appear somewhat easy to heap help on, needed or not. Most people want to help the helpless and vulnerable. It makes them feel good to help the weak, and besides, there is that satisfaction of being benevolent. It also makes people feel one up on the person helped. So appearing vulnerable to help, it is safe, gratifying, and gaining self esteem to do something good for those like myself who appear weak, helpless, and vulnerable.

These are some of the reasons people may have offered me so much help in my life. Some just care so much; some miss take my confidence and casual approach to life as careless, and some find it safe and gratifying to help me as I will not be able to defend myself against their help- which, all together, is just a little too much help.  

                                                                                                           Feb. 25, 2004