Where Am I – and Going?

Having written most of my biography and perhaps still having, who knows, how much of my life ahead of me, how could I possibly write the last chapter of my life? I may have 15 to 20% of my life ahead of me, or much less. It is something I often guess about. Knowing a bit about statistics, yet aware that statistics are only averages, I have no indication of where I will be in contributing to longevity statistics. Yet I gather that I am more likely to have between 5 and 10 years left than 15-20 years, considering that I am at 81 and a half presently as Christmas approaches this year. Thus I am interested in writing a present stance without much of any guess how much time I have left.  If I follow one ancestor, I would have about 19 years. But her husband, well I am already 11 years past his demisal age.  So here I am and where I am going as far as I can guess.

I am keenly aware that I have a bit less strength and motivation for activity than 5 years ago, yet I feel that in most ways I am still very much, almost totally, the same person as I always was. It's an easy deception to think I still am who I always was. Most marked of this ambiguity is that I think that it should be so easy to do something like repairing the house or working on a rental property, yet I don't want to to it for reasons I can't justify. It seems I am lazy, contrary to my life long view of myself and unacceptable to my ego. So I am sitting uncomfortable in a no man's land of feelings and motivation vs obvious abilities.

There is also another ambiguity of how old I really am. People knowing my chronological age can easily classify me among the old people, Yet to myself I never got there. I am still practically where I always was. I frequently have to double check on how people see me and who I really am. It is rather complicated because some treat me socially nearly as if I was “normal” just like them. Or am I deceiving myself in thinking so? It come down to the fact that I don't really know who I am, or how old I am supposed to be. It seems I am caught in a self-image of being between a little old and actually old. Is there something like middle old age? If that is a category, I will tolerate myself thinking so.

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A third ambiguity of my age is that I never had any speed bumps on the way- no point of change like a disability where I had a reason for acting old..No health problem that slowed me down. Not even a retirement age threshold. Perhaps the biggest jolt was moving from Belize in 2011, but even that move was gradual over period of years where we just stayed longer each year until we did not go back any more. It just documents that I have little gauge to show where I am as I have no idea when and how I got here- except one thing- I didn't die on the way. Perhaps death will also not happen at one point; we just gradually fade away. Not too bad a way to go.  Tongue in check? Perhaps slightly.

So here I am in aging. Where, I really have little handle on. I just know I have some excuse for being a little less active which people are willing to grant me. I also have less motivation for expanding my life, like investments and updating our house beyond minimum upkeep. Even having a real garden is a little too much. Mowing the lawn is OK- for the summer. Winters I look out and watch the snow falling, and sit in my study reading and daydream like at this writing. O yes, all my other writing that I am trying to manage and preserve for another generation and many generations, so they know who was here for a while. So where am I going?

Judging from the past 15 years I am going nowhere fast, but then not assured of the opposite either. Yet there are no clear health bases for thinking anything is going to shift rapidly in my life. Any abrupt change in health would be a departure from  my past style. Yet I have little assurance that the future might not be much different from the past. We have often prayed that our final years would be without great dependency. At least that is in my mind when we pray for health all our days. May God grant it.