The Family Constellation

There were 10 children born to Elam and Eliza Hochstetler, of whom I was the sixth, following 3 boys and 2 girls. There were alternately boy/girl until I broke the order; I would have been a girl by the “established” order. The first 6 were also spaced two years apart plus a few days or weeks. Let's look at each one of the siblings, especially as they related to me in the family constellation. Two have been referred to elsewhere and will receive minimum attention here.

Laban was the firstborn, 10 years my senior. He was the model child, something of the standard for each of us. He was well discipline and rather quiet of speech. He was almost grown up when I was a child. He left home to work on a farm at 18 in connection with the military draft, having a conscientious exemption from that draft. He would return home each weekend and returning Monday mornings by bicycle; I remember one such parting in which he entreated me to be a good boy while he was gone, whether he felt it necessary, or just in doing his part in encouraging me as he would be inclined.

Miriam was next. She was always around, although it seems I remember her a bit less. A helper around the home and caring for the younger siblings was her life. It seems she loved music and youth associations like any teenager. I recall a songbook she had of collected songs, some secular, like “Just Thirteen Steps Away”, songs which I learned from her. She had a boyfriend Lee, for quite a while but then quit. She served in various voluntary service locations such as Brooklane Farm in Maryland and then Loman, Minnesota where she met her husband to be Harvey Graber. Later they served as missionaries in Red Lake, Ontario for 5 years and then Brazil for 10 years.*

Samuel was next. He was an active young person growing up without much interaction with me that I can recall, no doubt blending into the family without much notice. I do recall he broke his arm once, which was considered resulting from being slow to do his duty in work. While I had always considered him to be a conventional youth, he took the initiative several years after marriage,  to pack up his family of two little boys and move to Virginia to participate in starting an outreach church. He became the leader and three sons became church leaders as well.

Esther was next. She was a friendly reaching-out person to me, perhaps at time more personal than I was comfortable with. She was very religious and devout. I still recall her mouthing her own praying when the family prayed as at meal time. Her untimely death after being on the mission field in Canada for 27 years was a shocker for the whole family while we were in Belize.

Daniel was my next older brother, with whom I had the most interaction in my childhood. This is noted in the essay, “Closeup: Me and Daniel.” Without doubt, he was the model for me, going before me as I was growing up, giving me many cues what to do and avoid.

Rhoda, two years after me was the sibling I never knew as she died before I was 3. Yet that loss no doubt heavily affected my emotional formation as it was in deep grief of my mother that I grew in my pre-school years. This was multiplied by my mother's loss of a sister and her father in the same years. Though I do not remember Rhoda, they say I felt deeply about her when they buried her, me not understanding death at all.

Marietta, written as Mary Etta in her childhood, followed Rhoda and breaking the timing of one child every two years. Mom felt she was a replacement for Rhoda. For reasons I can only guess, it seems I was in conflict with her more than any other siblings and the tendency gave me a bad reputation as a naughty boy which was likely justified. I know I found fault with her at her eating at meal time and was sometimes told “You look onto your on plate!”

Walter followed. We called him Sonny for some years and although he was 7 years my junior, we had a lot of fun together. I gave him the pet name “Valdensah” (Waldensian” )  He was intelligent and creative, whether in music or with his playthings. It seems I introduced him to musical theory and notes  In his imaginary playing earlier, he would line up furniture castors which he call horses or cows.

Joe, always Joseph as a child, concluded the family. Ten years younger, he was a favorite child and brother. It seems when he was young I could swing him up and he could stand on my shoulders with help. He was active in the family in spite of being a follower. I recall when at the supper table when everyone was telling little stories and he wanted to be there as well, He said, “Just think of it, I don't like bones!” (Denk mole draw, ich gliech nat g'nocha!)

Even living a more simple life on the farm, we children found ways of interacting and playing games together. In the summer we could play outside such games as dare base, hide and seek, tag. Sometimes we played such games with cousins our age. We were discouraged in playing “Monopoly”-  too materialistic?? although checker s was acceptable and even chess. But reading was a favorite. No recorded music- well no electricity. Sometimes as family we would sing together. I believe we all could “carry a tune” before we went to school. While it seems we were not close as siblings, we were taught to respect each other in language and interactions. It is remarkable that we remained close to each other in our life-time and all the more as we aged. Even choosing different church denominations has not separated us from a sense of closeness. I do not know of any family quarrels or frictions over the years. The family estate was also disposed of without any conflict and we kept a family woods for posterity where we gather every Memorial day with our ever-expanding families.

*One time Miriam, Dad, and God saved our house from burning down.  During breakfast one morning she went out to the milk house by the barn to bring in more milk for breakfast. As she headed back to the house, she suddenly saw fire or smoke coming from the door of the wash house that was attached to the house. Most likely screaming and running as fast as she could, she alerted us all. The older children carried water from the nearby pump house tank and brought it to Dad who poured pail after pail against the wall behind the water tub that was being heated up for washing clothes. I took a bucket to the wash room by the kitchen and pumped as fast as I could and also handed the buckets to Dad for putting out the fire. I don’t know how long it took but eventually it was under control and then put out. The charred walls were a reminder for the rest of our time living there that we were saved by the timing and cooperation of the whole family. God’s timing. A few minutes later would have been too late. No phone or fire truck would have reached us in time.