My First Glimpses of Heaven

                                              (An Ambivalent Period of My Life In Belize)

In the last half of this month, November, 2006, I suppose for the first time I sensed that it may be a good feeling when I can look at my life and say, “I am happy to have completed my life”. At the same time I have again asked God to give me until a hundred years to serve people and enjoy my family and life, and having good health and a sound mind. I have never given much thought about actually looking forward to the joy of heaven and seeing Jesus, and having resolved all tensions of life. Now for the first time, I just think that might be nice, to look forward to the next life, not in theory that it will happen sometime, but that it definitely will be in the near future, for sure. Looking forward will be better than looking back as I am doing a lot now, in prep for my 70^th Celebration.

December 18. For some days last week and since, I was tired and perhaps depressed with sinus flu, with rather low energy and motivation. By 8pm, I am usually rather methodical in moving about. It makes me wish for a change, but not necessarily back to the States. It saps my motivation to envision much of service, but I still pray hard for a youth home to be established, as well as the faith of all the boys we have brought half way. I can imagine a down hill of vigor where we could pass on easily. This is so unusual. I even think I might live only into my mid 70’s. Not because my mother died 30 years ago yesterday, but that she and her siblings died at that early old age and my energy is an unusually low level presently. I want to feel much better if I press on to the century mark as I had hoped. Maybe my present low energy level is helping me to come to terms with my mortality which I have not had to face before in any definite way. Fortunately my life is in God’s hands and I don’t have to worry any more than my mother did.   

Some people like my friend Bob Miller who died last summer seem to leave rather easily, with the vacuum they left soon filled, as when you remove your hand from a bucket of water. But my life has so many tentacles into many areas; I don’t know how I could leave so easily. Friends in Belize, the very young, the youth, the mature, even the aged would miss me unimaginably. There are all my writings that I have done, who would read them? Who would even want to?  Who would want to sort them out and publish the wheat if they find some?  And of course, most of all my family who has seen me mainly summers for 20 years, and my wife whose partner I have been for half a century. No, it seems I could not slip away quietly. Yet the day I would leave, I know the waters would start gushing into the space I had occupied so many years in so many ways. I have not yet been motivated to begin closing the books on everything, nor am I anxious to do as much service as I still can. Perhaps I am only given a vision of what will transpire eventually. Perhaps I will soon feel more like staying around a lot longer. I still hope so.

January 3, 2007. What a difference a half day may make!  I suppose I was thinking more eschatologically as I could see no way forward for some days, perhaps even weeks. It seemed my wife Loretta did not like where we live, and yet could see no alternative that I could support even mildly. Moving to another location was the point of no agreement as well as about anything else. Today I talked with Alex who has a house in Second New Site which we have known for some time. When he said he would sell it for $60,000 cash, I suddenly felt there could be some hope. But then she still can’t see having boys living with us. Hortense could live downstairs with her boys who have been with us. Loretta felt I was totally out of touch when I declared that we can be doing everything for the sake of eternity for kids here. She felt I have no understanding for her feelings. She is nearly correct. I have faith again that we are potentially making an eternal difference in the lives of children and youth. With that hope, I desire and hope to go on and in spite of all adversity, and aim for a continued productive life. May Heaven wait until we have brought in a few souls!

September 16, 2007 “When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be”. That is a song we sang many decades ago and loved it. Now it is on TV. I had no idea of that actually become a real longing then, but just a vague hope for something in the indefinite future. But now, the vision of being released of all the ambiguity of this life! No more wondering when and if and how we can be of service to people. No more torn between the desire to give and the reminder that we are limited in what we can give. No more wondering if giving materially really meets any eternal consequence for the receiver No more wondering how we might really share the Gospel of good news for people around us that will liberate them from the snares of poverty they have brought upon themselves by submitting to their own passions and the selfishness of partners. O to be free, to have completed this course. If we could only say, “We did all we could have done”. Is there no escape from the ambiguities with out major regrets? Yes, we are torn between the hope of grace when it is all over with and the sense that we have hardly begun the task we were sent here to do. How will we rejoice when our job never will have been completed? I can hope for decades of opportunities to make things right, but would that help? How can I throw off the weights that burden me and make my progress so laborious and unfruitful?  How can I make real progress toward the glorious goal of heaven? Is it still decades afar to accomplish our mission? God have mercy on us! Only by grace can we be forgiven for an uncompleted life.

Why am I ambivalent about leaving this life? I have accomplished so little. Who said that I am important or that I should have expected to accomplish a lot? Do I feel I need to curry favor with God? Certainly not for salvation which is by grace, not of our merit of our accomplishments. I supposed I am constrained to service by an indelible sense of stewardship that was ingrained on me as a teen. We had it in our commitment to Christ, “saved to serve”. We saw it in many Scriptures, like “we were created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We had on a motto in our home, “Just one life will soon be last; Only what’s done for Christ will last”. We sang in our meetings in our youth, “Work for the Night is coming, when man’s work is done” Then we have a strong service mentality that runs broadly in our family for several generations. All this makes retirement simply unthinkable. I am rebellious to the idea of forced slow down, except by God’s direction. My paltry pile of accomplishments for God are a measly jumble of what I could have done for God. I think of the song also, “Must I go and empty handed, Must I meet my Savior so? Lord, have mercy on my soul!!

                                                                                           October 2, 2007

 About October 13, in talking to Walter about his likely short life projection with his cancer, it seemed he is so upbeat, glad for some time yet with family and friends, enjoying all of it, yet realizing reality as well; must be nice to be where he is at. May I be there at some time in the [far distant] future!