Pebbles From The Past

Periodically from somewhere a memory comes to my mind that that I never have spoken or written. It may be trivial or very private, but unless I share it no one will ever know what went on with me back there. So what, you might wonder? I just hate to pass away and those bitty hard memories be forever lost. So here begins a collection of Pebbles, hard facts so small they could be lost to posterity.

When I was about 18, we had no car, which were not yet allowed in our church. Yet I wanted to drive. So I asked a friend, Jake Shetler, if I could drive his with the license examiner with me. I did OK, almost, but when I made a left turn without waiting for oncoming traffic, the examiner advised more practice. Just-as well, as we did not yet have cars.

The above owner of that car, which was a 1949 Cadillac, came to our house before cars were allowed, and asked my father, the bishop, if he could have a car. Apparently my father hedged on the issue as the church was not quite yet approving cars. But Jake went out and bought this Cadillac to Dad's disappointment. Dad was that gentle about it that he thought he had given a negative answer and was surprised with Jake getting that car then.

The first time I drove a car on the road was with a friend, Edward Borntrager, from his place on CR 38 to our place on the north farm. Not knowing better, I actually sped up to 50 mph on States Road 13, with my friend sitting on the front edge of the seat. Turned out OK, but I should have been more careful as a novice driver.

When we were just married, we traveled to Red Lake, Ontario for our required service. As the church was changing practices, I felt bold enough to not grow a beard when I got married as was the custom.  When Dad came to visit us of course he noticed that bare chin. Kindly he teased me even though he could have been severe as the bishop who was to enforce the rules of the church. But he only teased me about my bare chin. Rubbing my chin with a finger, he asked, “Doesn't anything grow here?”

The first little trip with our first family car, a 1949 Dodge, did not turn out too well. I took my Dad into Michigan, probably on a Sunday morning for church, or whatever. Somewhere over there the engine was not running normally. We learned that the engine oil was too low. I don't remember whether we were able to drive the car all the way home or if we added oil, but anyway, the engine needed an “overhaul” But in those days we only had to pay $50.00 for the job. Actually a week's wages at that time for me.

When I was 10 years old, Grandma Hochstetler had a stroke; in fact two strokes. The first one she was partly disabled and she recovered partly with the use of her affected hand. But her mouth was so affected she could not pronounce her words clearly. With time it improved and we learned somewhat better what she would try to speak. But the next time, she was disabled and had to stay in bed and could not communicate, until she finally died.  It was a crises for the family as we were all there a lot as they lived only a half mile from us.

After Grandma died, I would often go to be with Grandpa overnight. While he seemed old he was probably not over 74 or so. He always knelt down to pray when I was there, probably morning and evening. We ate in the living room- it was winter time- and the kitchen was cold. He would pull out the top drawer of the commode and lay a wide board across it for a table. Once he forgot if we had prayed before eating and he asked me if we had. It seems he enjoyed having me there with him then.

                                           Is She Becoming More Like Her Mother?

Sometimes in stress she has said that I remind her of my father. My rejoinder has been “I wish you would be more like your mother.” I wonder if my wish has been becoming more true in recent years. I have noticed that she may at times express kindness and respect in unexpected ways, like bringing my supper when I am watching TV in the living room, or perhaps ice cream at my desk with the computer. She also has been more tolerant when we disagree on something, like this morning she going to work with Conrad when I wanted to stay at home, conserving my strength and preparing for a study group this evening.

There are also many other times she shows some affection, totally unmotivated by anything I did, just like her mother used to be affectionate without my deserving or earning it at all. She is so consistent in preparing dinner and seeing my needs are met, and like making sure I am dressed  properly for church, just like they say her mother used to make sure her father is all primed for church. Sometimes in the morning when I get up before she does, she will come around and stand there at the door of my study and greet me with a word, or just her presence. She is so mindful of me.

I can't say what motivates her more than earlier in life. It is true that we have been reading a devotional on “The Love Dare for Couples” which she reads to me which stimulates our thinking, before I pray. She often breathes an Amen with my praying, showings she is with it. Also we have been studying in a series on “Beliefs" which is now in the last stages, studying to be like Jesus, tonight being on gentleness. Perhaps our small group study is also rubbing off in our lives.

It also occurs to me at times that I could say something uncomplimentary to her, and then restrain myself, wondering if in earlier times I might have spoken out more unmindful as to how it may be heard. Not that I deserve anything for being a bit more careful in my speech, but perhaps I don't irritate or cultivate a neutrality of love in her for me. 

So is she becoming t more like her mother in loving kindly in ways I don't earn or deserve? It may just be. I sure don't want to spoil her development and growth in such wonderful matter! Maybe being kind and respectful and loving we can grow a beautiful thing even in our aging years.

                                                                                                                                        

                                                     Eighty-Two and Counting

Today, May 8, I turned 82. What does that mean? It is another marker of getting older which I have been doing for a long time. In some ways it is nothing-almost. But from another viewpoint, it is a stage of life beyond which fewer than 50% of a population achieve.

It is trite to say that you are only as old as you feel. Perhaps it is the slight validity of that saying that keeps it alive. But then, how does one know how one should feel at any time? Perhaps it’s your attitude that really spells out your age. How well do you feel about where you are? That’s the issue.

So, how do I feel? Pretty good for being 82, I suppose. Yet I do have a perpetual feeling of tiredness, which soon gets even worse when I work even part of an hour. Several hours of work give me a good excuse for lying down for a while. I suppose this easy tiring is my chief indication that I am more than 70 years old, if I can compare it to that age. Then there is also my vision. Even though a recent eye exam rated me at very nearly 20/20, I still feel that my vision is somewhat frustrated. It is not blurry, but perhaps my peripheral vison is a bit weaker. Anyway, I can still drive without glasses, but reading is difficult even without good lighting or large bold print. So I suppose I feel normal for being 82.

Then there is the psychology of my age; I have less motivation to do much. Reading is fine, and writing is easy if I have something to write, like this analysis of my aging. But do I have something to look forward to that I want to hang around a long time? My family down to the third generation greatly intrigues me. Those 13 great-grands, I sure would like to see them in their teen years; and more to come. I don't expect to see a generation after that- I would likely have to be a hundred years old. I would like to live until most of my family would feel I have lived long enough for a good life!

Should I have any hopes for a certain number of years yet? My days are not mine to choose. Statistics are not too helpful in justifying any prediction. I can hope to have from 2-15 years yet, and let God choose how many. Yet I do pray for a good many years, and good years, without a lingering deteriorating life. My in-laws went from old age normal to their transition in only about 6 months for both of them. That would be as good as you can hope for.

I suppose most of the above leads to a preoccupation with the ending of this life. I have written a simile that I imagine it is like walking along the side of a mountain on a cliff, which seems to get narrower at times and you know that at some time it will be too narrow to proceed, but there is no turning back. . Then you will drop off, and that anticipation is what is scary. Yet as you fall, you know you are descending into a beautiful, heavenly lush valley, where your loved ones are waiting to greet you, and will escort you to meet the King to whom you will be grateful for having led you all your life, even loving you since you were a child- or before. The rest will be timeless, no more counting years or time but floating through eternity, endlessly.

                                SEVENTY THINGS I STILL WONDER ABOUT

“For we know in part…I thought like a child…we see a poor reflection…” I Corinth. 13

1. How evolutionists can still hold to their out dated theory in the light of continually discovered complexities of life processes and components, e.g. DNA.

2. How Christians can go to war, potentially killing each other, or certainly people who have not yet heard the Gospel.

3. How rich Christians can live on a standard many times that of 2 billion of the world’s people, most who have not yet heard the Gospel either.

4. How abortionists can believe that the fetus is not sacred human life.

5. How Belizeans and perhaps other people can live in poverty without seeming to worry about their next day’s needs, and keep having babies in that situation. “Take no thought” seems to be what some remember most from the Gospels.

6. How anybody could know the love of God and not respond positively to it.

7. Whether all marriages could be saved.

8. Whether hell is really forever for those who have not heard of Christ, and will those people have some other chance after this life.

9. Whether Tim LaHaye of Left Behind fame is right about his scheme that Jesus will come twice, or three times; and whether Jesus will reign on earth while evil men are still around.

10. Whether I will live to be an old man like some of my ancestors, or go younger like the others.

11. If energy and mass in the universe are interchangeable and constant in totality as science projects, then how much energy did God exert to create the universe?

12. What is culture and what is personality when people do things strange to your way of thinking. like when Belizeans chop down your beautiful plants just so they can see sand in your lawn, or a pastor signs a contract to make payments on a car, but never does even when he can.

13. What heaven is really like.

14. How God decides who should be in heaven and who should go to the other place.

15. Whether born again Republicans or any other Christians will ever learn to love the poor as much as themselves as Jesus taught to love your neighbor as your self.

16. Whether Jesus will return in this century or the next, or when?

17. Are there any marriages in which the two partners are completely satisfied with each other?

18. What would my sister Rhoda have been like, had she lived?

19. What would life be like for the remaining one when one of us dies?

20. What would my life have been like if I had been loved as much as I wanted to be from the day of my birth until this day? And would that have been good for me? Would my ministry have been better, and I a better person?

21. I still wonder why the opposite sex has to be so opposite. Couldn’t God have made sexuality a bit easier without it becoming boring?

22. Is there an end to space, or an end to the universe?

23. How did God become?

24. Was this the first world with people on it?

25. Are there other kinds of living beings not needing an atmosphere, or temperatures between freezing and boiling, perhaps black matter beings or gaseous beings with spirits and consciousness with whom God relates as he is also Spirit?

26. What was God doing before the creation of our universe? Inventing other physical/spiritual systems and relating to them? And did any other system fail morally like man in God’s plan?

27. Did it take any length of time as we measure time, for God to design DNA and other incredibly complex matters of “intelligent design”? Did he have it all figured out when he started?

28. Of course we are glad we are not moral robots, but does God ever have second thoughts about making man with free choice, and not wishing he had slanted man’s inclinations a bit more toward his ways?

29. What kind of feelings does God have about the condition of the world, both the present world, or at any other time in history? Does he go by his feelings to decide when to end it all for our planet? Is he now more nearly fed up than any time since the flood? Will he end it when enough good has happened, or when too much bad stuff is going on, or when ever?

30. How can God be so patient with his children, and still not be indifferent to their sin?

Especially the sins of materialism, militarism, and indifference to the poor and sinners?

31. How can God tolerate all the suffering of the innocents in the world: children, widows, orphans, the impoverished, war victims, et.al?

P.44 THINGS I STLL WONDER ABOUT

32. Why is God so slow in meting out justice to the oppressors and their victims?

33. Can God accept those as his children who do not walk in the peaceful way of Christ?

34. Should the Bible be considered a holy book, like a sacred object? Don’t Fundamentalists give credit to the book that belongs only to the main character of the Book, making the book an idol?

35. Is homosexuality genetic, or from one’s environment, or from circumstances? Is the origin and basis the same for all people? Are there degrees of fixation of orientation, from slight attraction, to exclusive attraction to the same gender?

36. Paul to the Romans seems to feel homosexual behavior is a kind of abandonment of God toward those who turn inexcusably from him. “He gave them over to…” Is homosexuality thus justifiably a point of focus for the church above other kinds of sexual sins, or just a present day point of controversy?

37. I still wonder how high the pile would be, if all the things that were stolen from us in Belize would be divinely reassembled on our living room floor!

38. I further wonder how many people have built a wall between us and them by thievery, isolating and insulating themselves from the Gospel we would want to share with them.

39. Is there any way we can protect our goods without being paranoia, having a big dog, or hiring a full time watchman? Even bank security fails at times.

40. What will be my Achilles’ heal, or fatal weakness, or will I just hold together until one day, like the Deacon’s One Horse shay, everything breaks down at one point in time.

41. How I can tell if an ache or pain is the beginning of something, or just a little more wear on this aging body.

42. If we were made in God’s image, then in how many ways are we like God our Father?

43. Am I as old fashioned and removed from the reality of youth as we used to think our parents and grand parents were when we were young?

44. Can a person live off the intimacy with God when intimacy with someone is lacking, or does intimacy have to be with someone in human skin?

45. Is it all right to think that Jesus may have been wrong in thinking that he would return to earth in the same generation that some of those lived who were hearing him speak?

46. Was Jesus thinking of situations like Belize when he said we should give to anyone who asks of us what we have? What of those willingly submitting to dependency in hard economies?

47. Will I always get tired easily the rest of my life?

48. How would I know if I am no longer as wise as I think I am?

49. I wonder how strongly and sincerely Dad believed in the Amish Ordnung as the best interpretation of Scripture and way of the Christian life, especially when I was a teen in the mid 50’s, or was he just pragmatic, seeking to maintain peace in the church and with churches?

50. I wonder if Dad was a weaker leader partly because he was ambivalent in the above years on rules and regulations.

51. I wonder if personal computers really enhance the quality of life for most people who have them, or are they mostly an electronic toy.

52. If they can make a computer that does a million things for under $400.00, why can’t they make one that lasts a week without malfunctioning? Why do programs stop responding?

53. I still wonder how we can basically affirm any culture over all as they all are practically deifications of fallen man’s values.

54. Does God laugh or cry at the foolishness of man, those who deny his existence, his creating the world, who think they may destroy human life that was created sacred by Him?

55. Is God satisfied with my life in any degree, or is he still longing for some break through to my dull mind and spirit? What mid term grade would I have received from him?

56. I still wonder why it is that I hesitate, even delay a day or two, to tell Loretta bad news like thievery and big bills, or missing money, but she feels compelled to tell me frequently about mold, roaches, and every knife she loses as well as every other little fault of our house.

57. I still wonder why I don’t have credibility; why people ask me how I know what I say and where I heard it; and why what I say is not very convincing to many. (Also in Burdens)

58. Why does Jesus say in one chapter that we should let our lights shine so people will see our good deeds (Mt 5:16) and in the next chapter (6:1) say we should not do our good deeds to be seen by men? May some in Belize think we are nearly irrelevant and dispensable because we of Amish background hide our good deeds so well that they have little idea how much we are doing?

59. I still wonder when we will ever move back to the States and retire. See Appendix D

60. I still wonder how nationals can be made to feel comfortable with missionaries when we are so much more educated and experienced then they are.

61. I wonder how many of our Belizean children will grow up as Christians and be faithful in the church and have beautiful families and good jobs.

62. I wonder if God may just work through our prayers what we just can’t seem to get a handle on, like leading persons into the kingdom.

63. I still wonder what the limits are of our marriage to meet each other’s needs.

64. Like Billy Graham said on a TV interview, I also wonder if I will ever hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

65. Why it seems to us that the needs of persons around us seem so obviously desperate to us but others can know about them and be totally unmoved to any action and practically ignore them; e.g. the delay in establishing a home for youth.

66. The Creation: How many years B.C. was Genesis 1:1? Is the Biblical record literal, poetic, or didactic? Were the 6 days literal, or a story telling scheme of the oral tradition? Did it matter to the Hebrews?

66a. If we are made in the image of God, and have a sense of humor, God must also have a sense of humor. But what would God find most amusing? Us, his children?

67. In spite of the statement of the founding fathers that all men are created equal, I wonder if that is really the case by races. Of course it is politically incorrect to even ask the question. Most African groups, perhaps almost all, have not broadly developed the arts, science, education, literature, theology, honesty, political structures that work most of the time, and some moral values and integrity that mark most European groups. (Probably honesty, truthfulness, forgiveness, generosity and fidelity are less common for Africans that Europeans in general.) I wonder, were all actually “created equal” but some cultures and races not affected by Christianity as much? Aren’t slavery and colonialism just excuses for lack of maturity like western societies and with the weakness of family structure? Is black sensuousness genetic (racial) or moral? Are we really all equal?

68. How do you convince young women to stop having new babies when they already have 3-5 and struggle daily in begging something for them to eat? Is it right to send away such a mother with a new born who comes to your door when you have warned them various times before?

69. I still wonder whether she and I should try to resolve our seemingly irreconcilable difference on the liquidation of our assets in ministry, or whether I should just manage the way I am convinced we should do it; and whether we should consider not supporting families with small children in this matter before we find alternative support for them.

70. I wonder if many of the above issues will be resolved in our life time, or if I will just keep on wondering. Most will not be worth asking God about when I will have a chance, I am sure.

Finished Sept 12, 2006

                                                    The Humor of God

God has made a creation with an infinite of variety living structures. Maybe God likes to play around with variety since his capacity for variety is infinite also..  Why have limited sameness? And since he has all capacity to create and also seems to have a sense or joy and humor in creativity, why should he not express it in many ways in his creation? Perhaps creation is the play of God, and as humans engage in play, it is for God's pleasure to give creativity a wider meaning. 

What I am looking for here are examples of God's humor in his creation. Did God make some things funny just for the fun of it? Certainly humans do that in art and in many ways. Is not creation the art of God in which we can expect humor like he has implanted in man? WOW! This is a subject I have never heard of. Let’s look for examples of humor in the creations of God.

Isn't it weird/funny how elephants have long noses which they use like hands for eating? Can't imagine humans trying to eat like that. But elephant's noses are also multipurpose. They can discipline the young and fight off enemies. They can also be used for taking a shower or otherwise playing around. Truly a multi-functioning nose!

Why do giraffes have such long necks? Humans would look really weird with such an distinction. But it is normal for giraffes and useful for eating leaves off trees. Seems normal for them and we are used to it. Fortunately they are not shaped also like the hippopotamus or the rhinoceros. These animals are so fat they are funny. And to have a horn on the top of a nose? Seems God is having a lot of creative fun doing what only he can do.

Why do kangaroos have such short front legs? Because they didn't need them for walking. The back legs make up for them and they get around well. And they have a built-in pocket to carry their young.

What has 4 appendages/feet and uses the front ones for walking mainly in the first year of life?

Yes, that's us. But our monkey friends use all four for walking and eating their whole life time. Do they make better use of their limbs than we?

It may be that there are no human beings with identical faces. Maybe. We laugh and think some people sure look weird. God must like individuality, showing off what he can do in several billion kinds of faces. It is funny how clever God is; we just have to laugh at our imagination!

We laugh at many animals when they imitate us. Monkeys can act like us in some ways that amuse us. Or the big smiles of dolphins. Even dogs can withdraw their lips like they are laughing. Some also seem to have such emotions of caring, almost like human. When we visit our son, their little dog is begging for attention until we greet him. The creativity of birds building nests is also so special it is hilarious. Why does every generation of birds build nests like the previous one?  Some also imitate humans in self defense so much that it is humorous e.g. robins when you get too near their nest. .

I read of some insect or creature that has one function- only to reproduce- and then it dies. Never even eats. At least humans have several funny habits they enjoy.

Where does nature get its humor? It can only come from God as he dishes out his nature on his creation. Perhaps mankind has rarely connected our humor to its source. Humor is no accident. It is breaking the norm of what we would expect that amuses us. God is like that. Always breaking our expectations. Humor should help us understand God better. Our ancestors who thought Jesus never laughed did not understand the Humor of God. Isn't that funny???

                                                  A Family Retreat Sharing

Our daughter Rachel spoke earlier of the courage. faith and determination of our great, great, great, great, grandfather Jacob in leaving his home and most of his family to cross the ocean to begin a new in life where his faith could be lived out for his family and descendents. He had a commitment on which he based his whole future life which he left as a challenge to all his descendents.

Almost 200 years later, my father was a young man of 19-21 who also had a dream. He imagined going to India, half way around the world and be a missionary. It was a time when there were very few Mennonite missionaries yet, and to have such a dream for an Amish youth was just too much. It never happened to him.

However, less than 25 years later, my father begin to see his children go out to  Maryland, Minnesota, Mississippi, Arkansas, Colorado, Texas, Virginia, and Ohio. Even Red Lake Ontario, Brazil, and Belize. What he dreamed about in his youth was greatly expanded by his children in ways he would never have imagined when he was young.

The challenge today for my generation and especially the generation following us is to live by example and conviction so that the work of God will continue to be done around a world which is getting smaller and smaller. Loretta and I pray frequently for our grandchildren that they will respond to what ever call God has for them. None of our own grandchildren are married- yet. Thus we are very mindful that there are likely more than a dozen youth and children “out there” who will some day link to our grandchildren. So we pray for them also like as for our own, that they will join in the call of God on their lives. As the Scripture says,“So the next generation would know…even the children yet to be born, and they in turn will tell their children.

Let me then turn to our life in Belize. W knew that it was a risk to do something very different in mid life, going 2,000 miles away in a country we only heard about ( Next door compare to our father Jacob’s daring venture) But we have never regretted going there in almost 25 years. It was life with enough challenges and rewards to stay and stay, so that sometimes I wasn’t even too excited to return back to the States every year. Let me just tell you one story, bits of which some will already know.

About 30 years ago there was a young, 13 year old girl in the town of Georgetown. Her father was abusive, she told me, especially when he was drinking. So she sneaked off to the town we later came to, and when her parents pursued her, she went on to Belize City. You can imaging the girl was ill-equipped to live on her own, especially so far from her mother who would have had much to teach her. I am not sure that she ever retuned to live with her family. Instead, over the next 20 years she had 8 children, from several men. The first child served time in prison before he was twenty. The third, also served some months, and the latest I heard, the police were looking for him. But, the second son, while we were here last summer, e-mailed us that he had turned his life over to God completely. There is one daughter. While she was in catholic confirmation classes some years ago, it seems she made a serious commitment to Christ and this year she told me that with her husband, they were attending a church, at least some. She is a fine Christian character, a most kind friend of ours; so near and dear like a daughter.

Here is where some of you know bits of the story. The last 4 children, preschool boys were with us in Dangriga when the mother had left them with us to go to the city, supposedly to escape someone. While there she called us and said we could give the children to the welfare. (She denied she said that later) For 9 months we cared for them as our own. I was likely more involved with them then I had been with our own, perhaps as Loretta had others to care for. Each evening I put them to bed, praying for the older ones sleeping in a big bed, and then kneeling over the younger ones on the floor, praying that they would grow up learning to know God’s love. In the daytime they were always with me, if they could be, and when I would sit on the sofa, they would pile on me sometimes until I had to beg for space to breathe.

After nine months we received legal custody of the kids and brought three of them to the States with us for 6 months. When we returned to Belize with them, two couples came to Belize to adopt them. (7 years ago Aug 2. We were reminded last Sunday by a father.)

One of them wanted to be baptized several years ago- when we were here, he requested.

To experience this family and be to there for them in crucial; times, which was continuous at times, certainly was a high plateau of our experience as to both challenging and rewarding. To see 6 out 8 children now on the track for God, where only God would know where they would be otherwise.

It was hard for me to think over the years about leaving Belize. I wondered what could compare to the life in Belize. Perhaps two years ago we began to think about it a bit more. But in a journal where I keep some of my personal thought, in December 2008 I asked,”Is there life after Belize?” Slowly and gently God showed me that there may be life after Belize. One of the encouraging points was when I realized that the work of God would go on around the world after me, and that some of the grandchildren were already committing them selves to that. My father had a dream which he could never fulfill in his life. Now I have a vision that is realistic and just over the horizon, with the light of a new team of workers from the grandchildren of all my brothers and sisters. Already some have been in Thailand, Zambia, Jamaica, Mexico, Belize, Brazil and Paraguay. Likely more countries then come to my memory.

The challenge for my generation and the one right after is to be most supportive to the next generation to carry out the work of God in what ever vocation they choose. I expect some will make mid life shifts in vocation like we did as God calls them in His timing. At mid life I ask myself and God, what might I do that I will have few regrets when I turn 65. God had the answer. He also has the answer for each of us, if we ask him in all sincerity. Each of us is a chain link in the purposes and work of God in generations to follow us. May each of us dedicate our selves continually to God’s work for each of us, and persist in prayer and be an example as we teach our children.

                                           Stories of My Early Childhood

The earliest recollection I have is of a Christmas day, very long ago. Apparently my mother's family was at our house. After dinner, most likely, when the men were sitting around in the living room, and the women clearing the dishes, I was sitting there on the floor, perhaps six or eight feet from the door to the kitchen, playing with some wooden blocks. Some big person came along and asked me if I know who gave me those blocks. Was it Aunt Esther who asked me? I indicated I did not know. They told me, "Grandpa Bender." I was named after him. It was special to him that I had his name and thus he blessed me with that gift. I know that was a very early Christmas for me, as soon after my third birthday in May the following year, Grandpa was gone.

Life wasn't easy for me in those days. Other things happened which I know about only by hearsay and family legends. They say I did not look like the rest when I was born. I had light brown hair and all the other children had dark brown hair. I was different! The first time I went to church, we had a wild horse that was so unmanageable, they stopped on the way to church to get a sharper bit so they could control the horse. Obviously I survived. But I was very sick my first winter, perhaps of pneumonia. I was so sick they had to hold me a lot, and the doctor said I would not get better until spring came. My sisters would hold me sitting, in the sun when it was warm enough. On the lighter side, at least to others, once when a pet rooster died and my siblings were burying him, I insisted, actually with crying and screaming (according to Sister Miriam), that they bury him with his head out of the ground so he could breathe! This was after they had had a funeral for him. It is not known who preached at that time.

Another story was what happened when my baby sister died. She was only about 6 months old, and two years behind me. Such a lovely baby with long dark brown hair, very responsive to everyone. I really don't remember her. But they say that at the grave, I was very agitated. "They dare not put her in the ground," I cried. So I was left without her, again the youngest child, being cared for by a grieving mother, who after all was very hopeful for the baby girl. In the rhythm of boy/girl again and again, I had broken the regular cycle. Now she had had the little girl I wasn't and she lost it. How despairing it must have been for her and for also losing her father that same year. Fortunately a year and a half later, she had another baby girl who seemed to her to be a replacement for the one she lost. I believe I remember when she was born. I was about 4 and a half and recall going upstairs that morning telling the older brothers that we had a new baby. Now Mom felt a little better.

Sometimes I was treated like a baby even when I was no longer one. Once I was with my older brother and sister walking in the back lane, back there close to where there was a patch of tea along the lane. For some reason, they were carrying me between them, whether it was my idea or theirs, I don't know. There was always conversation on those walks, although I wonder what they were talking about. It was probably above my head.

I also remember that in my preschool years, we would put Mom's wash tub out in the yard and fill it with water. How we "suddled", splashing each other and just having great time jumping in and out of the tub! It may well have been in my 3 year as I recalled that first happening.

In those days also, once I was entrusted to carry home from Daudy's (Grandpa Hochstetler) something special. Somewhere from the deep recesses of my memory, it seems it was goat meat. I carried it in a small granite bucket. I think it was a speckled bucket, as I know they also had a dark blue bucket. Anyway, after I had walked through the big field and was nearing our house, I stopped to play at a trash pile where we disposed of some things like old tin cans and junk. I set the bucket there on one of the large rocks, right by the fence. When I left, I forgot to pick it up. Mom, likely, asked me about the meat. I told her it was by the rocks at the trash pile. She sent someone to fetch it. They couldn't find it; so I had to go and show them where it was. I don't remember how we liked the goat meat. It must have been OK.

We were close to our Miller cousins who were about the age of us children. Once we were back in the truck patch where we had crops such as sweet corn and behind where we had a big raspberry patch, and we were all discussing deep things of interest. We wondered about God, what was he like or where was he? I just remember that we agreed that he can see us but we cannot see him. My mother taught us to pray as well. We would kneel at the bedside by her knees as she sat there and said the prayer that she taught us. I don't remember praying after I had learned the prayer, if I prayed it by myself. Every morning and every evening Dad read a chapter of the New Testament, usually without comment and then we all knelt for prayer. If he was away or traveling, Mom would read and pray. Dad could probably have told you what was in every chapter of the New Testament. He read it so much and so many times from beginning to end- in German.

Before I started school, we had a big patch of pickles in the 20 acre field west of our house; 2 acres. They had to be picked every other day. Usually I would help my father, taking the other half-width of a row with him. It was a whole family endeavor. As an incentive, or encouragement to all of us, Dad gave us a cent per bucket. We had whole wagon loads of pickles in feed bags. I don't remember whether we hauled them to the house or if a truck came to pick them up in the farm. I just know that a truck came and picked them up.

Once Uncle Elmer gave us a pony. There we were right in front of the house, circling it and admiring it. Apparently I was too close at the wrong end and suddenly became rather dazed. They supposed the pony had kicked me in the head as I seemed a bit stunned, No one saw it happen. But now you know what happened to me!

It seems I was not very responsive to my mother's requests for doing something. Probably I was usually engrossed in my own day dreaming or playing and did not find it easy to shift and listen to her. She felt it was her duty both to teach me and train me to obey her like all good children should obey. I was more independent than she felt I should be. I know it was hard on her and she did not like to spank me although she felt she had to train me right. One time she insisted that I take the strap and spank her and we were both crying. I doubt that I struck her. Often her threatening to get the leather "strap" was enough to bring me to compliance- but not always. (The strap was kept handy in the compartment above the stove where food was kept warm until meal time.) My sisters agreed in later years that I was disciplined more than any other child. At times my mother told me that my oldest brother was never like that. For a variety of punishment, at least once each, I had to sit in the stair entrance or on a chair for an hour to learn a lesson, no doubt on obedience.

I know that I was also a restless child in church which was a problem for my mother. Once she warned me about taking me outside and spanking me if I didn't behave. I suppose I teased my younger sister or something. But what was a kid to do in a 2-3 hour service that had nothing for children? One person from church said he never saw such a restless child like me. Fortunately, they usually did pass around white crackers and cookies somewhere in the middle of the service for children. I remember once I was so tired and as mom had another child to hold, a woman offered to let me sleep with my head on her lap. I just remember that it was fairly comfortable, probably a bit more cushiony than my mother's lap.

We knew that my father loved us very much. I remember him bending over a small child, cooing something like "beloved child". As Christmas neared each year, I would sit on his lap and he would ask us how long it was until "Silent Night". Then he would sing it to us in German. I was often with him as he was out working. Once as he was repairing or building a fence between the house and barn, he taught me a Bible verse in German I still know. Seems he was often talking to himself, or to some imaginary person which seemed a bit odd to us.

It was always special when church was at our place, like the Amish still have church services in homes. The benches were brought to our house on Saturdays before church on 

Sunday and the furniture set off to a side or stored elsewhere. The benches were stacked in the living room and we might make our bed under the benches for the night. The next day, after worship services the benches were made into tables and everyone sat to eat the simple meal of peanut butter on bread, pickles and red beets. Coffee, if you were big enough. The preacher would announce that everyone should "hold quietly" for prayer- a silent prayer before we dug in. It was amazing how many slices of bread a small boy could put away. I know my father would buy a large box of loaves of bread on the Saturday before to feed everyone. It probably took more bread because the services were so long! After dinner there was time for the big people to talk about anything they would think up while we children were somewhere else playing, perhaps out in the yard or in the barn in the hayloft until it was time to go home.

When my next brother was born, when I was 7, Grandma Hochstetler was there to deliver the baby that night. They just lived up the fields from us, "up", as it was a slight upgrade in the field between our farm houses. We were there overnight and coming back from Grandpa’s that morning where we had been kept out of sight overnight. Daudy wanted to tell us that we had a new baby, but couldn't just come out and tell us. "If you had a new baby," he teased, "would you wish for brother or a sister?" I don't remember our response. We soon found out about that. There is the story that when Mom would go into labor, she would hang a white sheet on the wash line behind our house as a sign for "Mommy" Hochstetler that it was time to come and help.

It seems that even though I was slow in minding my mother, I did have some motivation for doing what was right in my childhood. On my eighth birthday, May 8,1945 I sat down and wrote my commitment for life. Basically I wrote that I want to be a better person than I had been before. Someone, probably Uncle Elmer, had told me that when there is a sameness of the birth date and your age, that is a critical time of life; I took it seriously. I can't say I was converted then, but at least I made a determination about my life that I was going to seek the better way.

Certainly my most memorable story of my childhood is of a trip to the East coast when I was 5 years old. But that is another story.